Things I Will Do If The Best Picture Oscar Doesn't Go To Get Out or Lady Bird

1. Steal the laundry of every academy voter and stitch it all together. Now, I’m not entirely sure how the voting process works but I understand people in the academy vote. And I understand that they are the kind of people who care about how they appear. But I’m not trying to be overtly malicious, so instead I shall smuggle all of their laundry and stitch all of it together in one big flag that says “WHY??” and fly it over the Hollywood flag. I will do this.

2.Cut off the water supply to Woody Allen’s house. Okay, so Woody bitch ass Allen isn’t nominated for anything, but like. He deserves it. And I imagine his actively decaying body probably needs a lot of water to wash away his natural grime, so.

3. Adorn Jordan Peele and Greta Gerwig’s houses with flower crowns and cupcakes. The flower crowns with hang on every windowsill, the door knobs, if I can find a dog running around they’ll get one as a necklace too. I’ll leave the cupcakes on their porch, each with a letter iced on them, to spell out “You deserved better.”

4. Create an altar to Saoirse Ronan and Daniel Kaluuya.

5. In creating this list, it occurred to me that Allison Williams didn’t get a nom for her truly unbelievably stunning work in Get Out and now I just. I mean. It’s. God damn it. I need to go take a breath and maybe some ibuprofen. It’s like. Really? Come on.

6. Gesture in agony in the direction of Dunkirk. To be fair, haven’t seen it because I hear everyone has an accent and I find those difficult but like. Did we need another movie about white men fighting? Did we? Was there a deep, cultural, gap of White Guys Fighting In Europe that needed to be filled?

7. Vote for Lady Bird.

8. Ask why this system refuses to reward our minorities for their craft. Why groundbreaking work like Get Out and the rebellious vulnerability of Lady Bird could be overlooked for a moody man sewing things (or whatever Phantom Thread is I’m not even sure.) What will it take for us to be recognized? What will be the final shove before these voices are put on a pedestal others have been on for years?

Addendum: Shout out to all the awards (Golden Globes, SAG Award, ect.) given to everyone’s favorite movie about the redemption of a racist cop, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri.  

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