Taylor Swift is a Werewolf

*This article is a journal entry that was found within a blue, fabric-bound notebook, lodged inside a storm drain in downtown Salt Lake City. We are currently investigating the allegations made in the journal. We have scoured Big Cottonwood Canyon, where it is believed this entry was written. The author is still missing.

6 Sept 2017, 2:13 AM

Let me catch you up. I am currently hunkered in a granite cave deep within Big Cottonwood Canyon. I have this journal and a gun. I have just loaded it with one silver bullet. And now I wait. September 6th, 2017. I glimpse the full moon behind a tree, and quickly retreat until my back is firm against the cold rock wall. Waiting. I know she is coming. She knows that I know her secret. She can’t sue knowledge out of me. Taylor Swift is coming, and, on this full moon, she has transitioned. Taylor Swift is a Werewolf. And she is coming to silence me.

Taylor admits to having multiple versions of herself: human and Werewolf.

Before you dismiss this as ramblings of a crazy person, examine my evidence. Below is a compilation of discoveries I have made through the years. To preface Exhibits A-D, I would just like to clarify what a Werewolf actually is, just in case you’ve been living under a rock (unrelated to the rock cave in which I am currently dwelling). There are two categories of Werewolves: the Shapeshifter Wolf and the True Wolf.The Shapeshifter wolf is a myth: a person cannot viably voluntarily change themselves into a wolf. That is just ridiculous. But a True wolf is as it sounds: a true werewolf. These are humans that transition against their will into a bloodthirsty, raging wolf. This transition is sparked by the appearance of a full moon.

*Footage of a True Wolf

My theory was dwindling as Taylor went into hiding for a year to save face. But, just as I was about to give up on my exposé, it happened. Taylor Swift released her new single, “Look What You Made Me Do,” and that validated everything I’ve been working on. All of the progress I’ve made, it’s finally come to a head. She exposed herself, in clues that only I could discover. I made her do it. She knew I would be calculating her every move. I need to get this all down before she finds me.

Katy Perry uncovers Taylor Swift's darkest secret.

Exhibit A: Back in 2014, Katy Perry tweeted, “Watch out for Regina George in sheep’s clothing…” Most people took this as a sheepish jab at Taylor, using a Mean Girls reference (See Exhibit B). But there is startling evidence to suggest otherwise. Katy was the first person to uncover Taylor’s dark secret. Katy wasn’t sitting in her chaise lounge, subtweeting while sipping gin and juice. Instead, visualize Katy Perry rushing to her car, fumbling for the keys with labored breath and streaming tears, catching a glimpse of a werewolf with Tay’s signature red lipstick in the side view mirror. Her breath fogging up the window as she finally crawls inside and locks the door behind her. Silence. She slides down in her seat, grabs her phone from the glove compartment and types with numbed fingers. Katy dug out Taylor’s secret. This tweet was time marked: 3:49 AM, 9 Sep 2014. Not only does this stamp support my theory of Katy racing through the forest in the middle of the night, but also September 9th, 2014 was, in fact, a full moon (see photo below).

September 9, 2014: Full Moon

Exhibit B: In support of Exhibit A, I will now examine Katy’s choice of using a Mean Girls reference. This choice may have been spur of the moment, as a flesh-hungry wolf rips Katy’s signature Maserati to shreds; but was it more calculated than we all originally thought? Katy deliberately called Taylor a “Regina George”. Why did she pick Regina? Cady is easily the most unlikable character in the 2004 comedy. Enter the pause button on my old VHS player. I obsessed over every scene in the movie, face pressed up to the television screen, dissecting this tweet in my head. Why Regina? Why not Cady? And then it hit me. Mean Girls: paused at 30 minutes and 54 seconds. Cady jumps over the table and tackles Regina in her “jungle world” fantasy. 30:54. Close up on Regina George’s face. A roar. A howl. A hybrid of the two, which can only be accredited to the growl of a Werewolf. Katy knew exactly what she was saying.

Regina George growls, similar to Taylor Swift when she is a Werewolf.

Exhibit C: Enter Taylor’s new song “Look What You Made Me Do.” Are her lyrics a confession or a hidden message that is addressed to me? “Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time.” This lyric details her transition into True Wolf. The human form needs to “die” in order for the wolf to “rise”. Every full moon, Taylor Swift rises up from the dead. She even tells us that she does it “all the time”. Every 29.53 days to be exact. And, for good measure, she fakes a phone call to herself. “Oh, I’m sorry, the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, cause she’s dead!”

Taylor bares her Wolf fangs bravely, demonstrating their density.

Exhibit D: Swift makes deliberate images in both her lyric video and the music video, to target and terrify the two people that know her secret: Katy Perry and myself. First, let’s consider the lyric video. At 2 minutes and 25 seconds, Taylor taunts Katy with a haunting image of a forest. This is, without a doubt, the forest where Taylor hunted Katy for miles, until Katy ultimately reached the safety of her car. And then, to make sure Katy won’t sleep at night, the forest turns blood red at 2:40. To backtrack in the video only validates my argument further: a car is seen driving down the road at 34 seconds. This is, without a doubt, Katy Perry’s car, on her way to the forest to expose Taylor for the Werewolf she is. The eerie image of Perry’s Maserati also makes an appearance in the real music video, as it wraps itself around a light pole at 1:05. This is absolutely an image meant to spook Perry, as it is reminiscent of the way Swift left Perry’s car after she had ripped it apart with her bloodthirsty fangs. And not to mention Todrick Hall, known celebrity Werewolf, making an appearance in the video as well.

Swift admits that she dies and comes back to life in her new music video.

Taylor Swift is a Werewolf. It’s okay to be in denial, I was too. But when the evidence hits you so hard you can’t breathe, it is impossible to ignore it. I’m risking my life writing this exposé. I can’t write much longer. I’m afraid the scratches of pen on paper are loud enough for Taylor’s wolf ears to hear me. I hope this journal reaches someone who will listen. The pop star is dangerous and she is hungry for revenge.

Katy Perry, I suggest you ditch your furs and go into hiding immediately. You’re next.

To everyone else, you’ve survived another full moon under Taylor’s watchful wolf eye. Don’t let it be your last.

Wolf in hiding no more, Taylor is ready for the hunt.