If you’re a sexually active straight woman, you’ve more than likely been given the unsolicited advice that “no, you don’t actually have to have an orgasm for it to be good sex.” And whether or not the thousands of people who spout off this nonsense actually believe it, or are just using said advice to make them feel better about the fact a man hasn’t given them an orgasm in months, I have to ask—why are we only telling WOMEN that they don’t need an orgasm? When was the last time you heard someone tell a man not to worry about his sex life, because his sexual pleasure, and him not getting off wasn’t that big of a deal?
For as long as I’ve known about sex, male climax has always been a give-in. In fact, for the better part of my sexual career, I thought it wasn’t sex without it. I can only attribute this ignorance to the heteronormative Sex Ed program that diagramed sex with penises and vaginas, while completely disregarding queer sexual encounters where sperm, and penises, and ejaculation, were totally out of the question. And worst of all—never in my three years of health education did I ever hear the word “orgasm,“ only the mentioning of an “emission of sperm”
Unfortunately, in the timeline of sex, even beyond the health textbooks, the beginning and end is often classified by said ejaculation—the race simply isn’t over until he crosses the finish line, while the female orgasm is left in the dust. For many men, if their female partner finishes before the “grand finale,” then great, but if not, it’s all over. A flaccid penis the black and white checkered flag of our bedrooms.
And if the male orgasm is the “once upon a time” and “happily ever after,” in our sexual stories, then “making love” is just one shitty bedtime story that no women would ever want to read. Ejaculation is not the climax of every tale—and if it is, I’ll pass.
Luckily, not all of my partners have ignored my orgasm (as straight men are infamous for). I have been one of the lucky few whose partners were just fine having my climax, be the climax. But I have to wonder, why, as women, are we all so comfortable with the possibility of having our orgasm ignored. And more importantly, why are straight men okay with having the reputation of neglecting their partners’ sexual pleasure? If I was known for never getting off my partners, because “it was too difficult” or “too much work,” I would be embarrassed, and certainly would never accept such a reputation. Yet day after day, hookup after hookup, straight men blindly wander in search of our clitorises, and never fight to correct such behavior. And though the bedroom is just one of the places women are discriminated against, much like the workplace, we can’t let such inequality go ignored.
And while I have had plenty of sexual encounters sans orgasm that were enjoyable and satisfying, if we’re going to devalue the female orgasm, then we should devalue the orgasm (male and female alike) entirely. But I have a sneaky suspicion that no one would ever be so bold as to ignore male sexual pleasure and orgasm, in quite the same way that we do with women. I mean, after all, it certainly wouldn’t be sex without ejaculation. It’s not like there are thousands of lesbian couples receiving multiple orgasms, and thriving without it. I mean, what would sex be without the glamour of wiping yourself down with half a box of Kleenex, or throwing away a used condom? Oh that’s right– better.