When you struggle with depression, it’s easy to feel like a burden. It’s even easier when people are constantly assuring you that you’re, “so lucky to have someone who is so patient with your mental illness.” In the recent years of my downward spiral with anxiety and depression, my last few boyfriends were caught its whirlwind. They saw all the good, the bad, and the (mostly) ugly, and they were nothing but supportive. I was thankful every single day for their kindness, and patience, and selflessness during some of the worst times of my life—and I still am thankful. But now that I am healthy, I am able to look at my past, and realize how often the people in my life made me feel as if I had struck gold finding a man who would be willing to take care of me—as if men are incapable of compassion. Have we set our standards so low that we’re willing to pull out the gold stars every time a man is empathetic? Is this bare minimum twitter manifesting itself in our real everyday lives? And, perhaps the most important question to ask is are these low expectations a greater injustice for women, who are expected to settle for men who are just “nice,” or are we actually doing men the greater disservice by assuming that they are just sex-crazed, emotionless, and disrespectful pigs on the hunt?
Regardless, “nice” is undeniably a gendered word, as women are simply expected to be kind and caring, where men are religiously rewarded for their nice gesture. For example, when we see the men of the world stick by their wives during illness, trials, and hardships, we ooh and awe at their loyalty, and roll out the red carpet for them. “WOW he stayed by his wife’s side during cancer? Amazing. Incredible. . Never be done before. But when women stick by their husbands during the “lows”, no one seems to bat an eye. It’s just required. Women are caretakers. They’re SUPPOSED to do this.
But these expectations aren’t exclusive to the tragic events of the world. We see them every day in the most ordinary moments. A girlfriend who leaves a thoughtful note on the mirror for her boyfriend, or surprises her significant other with tickets to an upcoming concert, is glossed over. “That’s what girlfriends are for,” they say. But when men leave flowers on a woman’s doorstep, or make her dinner, we gush! “Oh my god, you found a GOOD one.”
Now I’m not saying we should overlook the good deeds of the world. Appreciate the boyfriend that opens up your car door, or makes your bed after he sleeps over. These are undeniably lovely things to do. But we must acknowledge the gender inequality that comes with the word “nice.” And no, this isn’t just an issue that affects women, this even affects the men who benefit from women’s low standards. We should absolutely expect more from the men in our lives for their own good. Respect your man by telling him he is capable of empathy, and kindness, and thoughtfulness. That he is good significant other. That he is loyal. That he is nurturing. Compliment him, and expect the best for your sake and for his. And remember, we cannot and should not accept kindness and respect as qualities that set a person apart from the rest. Because, in reality, nice is not a virtue, it’s what everyone should demand from the people around them.