Taylor Swift was right when she said “it’s a cruel summer”. Unfortunately, for us safe social distancers at least, there were no summer flings. No romantic partners (outside of established relationships for some). No meet-cutes that turned into blossoming relationships, save the number I got at Target, which felt validating when you take into account the lack of flirty fun courtesy of COVID. I mean, I can’t be the only one with a closet bursting with floral dresses purchased specifically to make my date swoon over me…
Alas, we have crossed into September territory and it feels as if no time at all has passed since March. Every day bleeds the same: a sampling of Folklore on the way to work, a mish mash of podcasts to pass the time, Folklore once again on the way home (can anyone blame me, it is her greatest work), and repeat. Miss Taylor Allison Swift knew August would float away as quickly as our hopes of safely getting brunch were tossed out the window. Mimosas must wait, and so do gatherings. I won’t be the first to express my absolute gut-wrenching disappointment with 2020 as a whole. I was going to work, save money, and picnic endlessly with my friends. I was going to see my sister graduate high school. I was going to see my friends and family in the city I grew up in. I was, and this is the real kicker, going to be in Spain, finally studying abroad after two years of planning. I had it all sussed. Paris for my 20th, tapas with new international friends, fashion week in Milan. And it all crumbled.
And yet, I can’t say that I’m as disheartened as I thought I would be. This doesn’t negate the fact that this virus has ravaged communities and taken lives around the world, nor does it excuse poor leadership and the lies that have been spread by said leadership in the U.S. I can only speak to the cancellation of plans in my own life and the ways in which I have been affected. Sure I had plans. Of course, I was excited for them to come to fruition. I realized, though, that I had forgotten something in my life amidst the hustle and bustle of school and work and figuring myself out. I’d forgotten that I’m young, and I have the privilege of time. I made plans but I have time to make more plans. This wasn’t the only opportunity to have all of these experiences. And you can only be mad or hold onto these feelings for so long before you burst.
Another important development spurred by quarantine has been my understanding of myself and the ways in which I interact with myself. I’ve never had cause to worry about being in my own company. I’m an independent introvert who gets socially exhausted; you can bet I’ve grown comfortable keeping myself company. What I didn’t expect, however, was just how lonely quarantine would make me feel. I have never craved human connection more than I did this summer. It made me cling to the few attachments I had even more tightly, making a certain separation harder to handle than under ordinary circumstances. And to make it worse, there was no getting back out there or spending time with friends. Not during a pandemic. And so I leaned on myself, more than I normally would. With my closest friends 500 miles away there wasn’t much else to do. It was then that I realized that I wasn’t as comfortable with myself as I thought. That was a hard one. No breaks, no hangouts, just me, myself, and I. I can’t confidently say that I’m over the hill yet but it’s nice to know that I’m not floating off blissfully into oblivion.
I know I’m not unique in my experience. We’ve all felt that loneliness and despair and sat around craving the one thing we can’t have right now: human interaction. As humans, connection is something we need and not getting it feels devastating. I can already feel my social capacity shrinking and my conversational skills weakening. Those meet cutes will be even sparser than they were before COVID, which does not bode well for my love life.
This summer was not what we all hoped it would be, not even close. This whole year has shaped up to be one of the most stressful times of many of our young lives, which is hard to believe considering the hits we’ve taken in just the past four years. Hopefully with a vaccine, 2021 will be better. Summer 2021 will be the hot girl summer we missed out on this year.