Although everyone is looking for something different in a relationship, the inherent need to be wanted by your partner is common to everyone – and for good reason! It’s nice to know that your significant other really digs you. Most ways that people express that love are really great, and should definitely be gushed about. Print a poster-size photo of your girlfriend and hang it up in your room? Yes! Buy your boyfriend a 5-foot-tall teddy bear? Absolutely! Get matching sweatshirts and wear them everywhere? Super adorable! The problem, however, is many of us idolize behavior that isn’t so healthy, namely, possessiveness. The concept of “they’re mine” is cute in concept, but that idea often translates into borderline abusive (and sometimes just straight-up abusive) behavior.
The idea of possessiveness is unfortunately often celebrated on social media, particularly when it comes to possessives of others’ bodies. We’ve all seen the viral tweets of women in revealing outfits and men replying, “My girl could never leave the house like that!” to the tune of massive support. Don’t get me wrong – wanting your partner’s body all to yourself in the physical sense is a reasonable expectation. But thinking that you own someone’s body to the extent of being able to control who sees it and how? Way too far. At the end of the day, this just ties into the problem of shaming women for their sexuality, which, like possessiveness in general, stems from massive insecurity.
This is not to say this is a purely male problem, of course. The popularity of attitudes like, “My man can’t have female friends!” proves that. So much so that the overbearing girlfriend has become a trope – screaming at her boyfriend, throwing his clothes out the door, and smashing his car windows when he receives (gasp!) a text from a girl. This is often incredibly exaggerated, as is everything in the media, but the actions stem from a common relationship problem.
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So, what do you do if this hits a little too close to home? If the possessiveness is on the part of your significant other, the most immediate step should be to have a serious discussion about boundaries. Make it clear that although you two are in an exclusive relationship, that doesn’t mean that they own you! If they have a serious concern about your actions, they can bring it up in a calm, reasonable way, not text you passive aggressively at midnight when you’re out with your friends.
If you think you have a problem with being possessive, first of all, kudos to you for being self-aware enough to recognize it. When you notice yourself starting to feel jealous or possessive, first, do nothing. Seriously. The problems with emotions like that is they are often reactive and not thought out, and acting on them in the heat of the moment is almost never a good idea. Instead, sit back and really decide if what you’re feeling is justified. Are their actions upsetting you because they’re just wrong, or are you maybe feeling insecure? Would you understand them being angry at you if they were in a similar position? If you still feel that your emotions are justified, make it a discussion, and not an accusation. Coming at someone with rage and vitriol makes you look like an asshole, even if you’re right.
Of course, there are some situations where possessiveness can be less of a nuisance and more of a giant red flag. Know the difference, and as always, never settle for less than you deserve!