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An Open Letter to My Long-Distance First Love

1,021 days since you first kissed me and we started our relationship out of “love at first sight”.  

1,019 days since I last said goodbye to you when I had to fly back to my home state. 

924 days since we had to end our long-distance because of my separation anxiety from you. 

I should probably stop with the countdowns otherwise, this will turn into a statistical letter. However, there has not been one day where you didn’t pop in my head for at least a moment. Every day I tell myself that I need to get you out of my system because you are gone for good. With moving on to other relationships ever since we broke up and obtaining more self-discipline in my life, I still think about all the magical times we shared within the little time we had together and what we had that I can’t acquire with my current affairs. 

I still remember the first day I met you like it was yesterday. When you introduced yourself to me, I looked into those eyes of yours and my heart, without question, skipped a beat. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move my legs. I had never experienced that butterfly feeling before that moment. I remember later that night I couldn’t stop thinking about you, and I kept speculating if I was going to see you again during my mini trip to where you and my best friend lived. While wondering whether or not I was going to see you again, by a stroke of good luck, we got in contact. You said that you thought I was cute and that you wanted to hang out with me the next time you saw me. I was ecstatic, but I kept it low-key and we met up the next night. My brain told me that this was going to change my life around for the good – and I was lucky enough to give it a chance.

I remember that next night, you came and picked me up. All of the places we encountered that night, talking to you and looking into your eyes was so meditating and I knew everything was going to be okay. I remember right when I sat down on that slide at the park, you kissed me for the first time. When I felt your lips on mine, I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think straight. The whole kiss felt like a fairytale to me. Yet, I remember every detail of that night and what occurred between us within that week. When I had to fly back home that very next night, it was impossible to keep my hands off you. When we hugged for the very last time, I could feel tears on my face, leaving the one thing at the time that made me truly happy. And that was you. 

I remember every text, phone call, nightly Skype calls for hours until we fell asleep on each other. Just being able to chat with you about everything made my heart melt. My mind was starting to feel in the right place – that was the moment I started to fall in love with you.

Because I was starting to experience love for the first time, I hated all the anxiety I started to receive being away from you. I wish I could’ve given that separation a chance to focus on what really mattered between the two of us. I kept telling myself that I was strong and that we would be able to make our relationship work. Then what happened? I gave up. I became weak. I felt as if something was wrong with how I loved you. I took that into my own hands and broke it off because I was too scared to face the real reality of the dreadful “long-distance relationship”. I remember when you agreed that we couldn’t see our paths together anymore and that we should go our separate ways. 

Being hysterical from the fact that I was losing you, my potential “soulmate”, I never took advantage of the time period where I was supposed to find out who I was and what I wanted to do individually. Looking back now, I made the right decision.  

Even with all the avoidance of everyone I came across because it reminded me of the memory of us together, or whenever I’m hopping around to different guys to get rid of the idea of you, I made the decision to move on to reality and focus on the bigger picture in my life. Though the hardships I have dealt with are still overbearing, I learned how to overcome everything on my own. Because of you, I have become more independent than I ever was before and all I want to say is thank you. 

Thank you for making me realize who I really am a human being. Thank you for moving on with your life when I couldn’t because you gave me hope that I can do the same thing. Thank you for giving me further confidence in myself and setting that mentality that I can accomplish anything I set my mind into. You are the reason why I am me. 

I’m extremely thankful that after these past two years, we kept in contact to check in with each other. Every time I see a notification pop up on my phone from you, my whole world stops. All of those memories come flooding back into my brain and this time it’s a positive vibe. Nothing that brings back the separation anxiety. Just pure happiness. 

My only wish that I want for you is for you to be happy. I hope that you are content with everything around you and that you are living your life to the fullest. There is nothing that makes me more proud than seeing you chase your dreams and putting everything you got to be the best you can be. That’s all I want, and I hope you can follow that rule. 

Grew up in the ocean of LA and in the mountains of Park City. I have the biggest passion for writing music... and also skiing. I was on the Dr. Phil show. Not for my problems, just for reacting to someone's discipline problems. I'm obsessed with shopping, Starbucks, Rap, EDM, and binge watching of Criminal Minds.  Follow me on the gram: @sophia_hella
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