I am tired of being just another body, I am tired of pretending that I feel powerful after a late night with a random guy. I can’t remember when kissing a person stopped meaning something and it became just another Friday night—just another number. I can’t remember the last sober kiss I had or when I got to know a person before getting, for a lack of better word, intimate. When hooking up and everything became normalized. Lately, I’ve started to miss the romance, something I really never thought I’d say.
College hookup culture is very similar to a really cheesy movie. There are some good parts, great even, but looking back at it for the most part you cringe slightly. There is nothing wrong with liking one night stands and the hookups, I personally just miss it meaning more. Part of this is my fault, I allowed myself to pretend that I didn’t care. It was liberating, but for me it needs to mean something. I miss romance, I miss being swept off my feet —not that that’s ever happened, but still. This could entirely be due to the nature of freshmen year. We’ve all finally left home with unlimited time on our hands and have encountered a newfoud lack of rules, it makes sense to say screw it. By second semester, I’m surprised that more people aren’t bored or tired of it. Tired of this lack of a deep relationship.
I find it funny that only months ago for many of us, this was all a big deal, and now it means basically nothing. In some ways this is good, good because for the most part, no one cares or will slut shame. But it’s strange; we’re all pretending that we’re all grown up, yet I am willing to bet that we’re scared of the most adult thing—commitment. I know I am. But that doesn’t mean I need to be opposed to it, I want someone to make it less scary for me.
Before anyone makes the assumption that I want all of this now, I don’t. I am not looking for a relationship or anything like that. But what I am going to do is wait. Wait until it all means something. Because to noone’s fault but my own, after one night stands or drunken hookups I feel guilty. I feel like I’m being thrown away; that I am still the fifteen year old girl who thought she was pretty enough to hook up with but not interesting or likeable to date. This isn’t due to any of the other participants of my nights out. It’s partially due to the fact that, for awhile, it felt something I had to do. That it was part of the college experience, that people would look at me differently if I didn’t want to. But I am past all of that now; for my own self image, it’s better for me to wait for my next partner to be an important person.