Yes…you. Remember when I bought pretty underwear, and tied you up, and researched new positions, and you, in turn, spent an oh-so-generous minute and a half dedicated to me, then got “tired,” or “frustrated,” or whatever excuse you came up with that night—while I didn’t come at all? I do. And I hope you do, too.
“Don’t worry about it”: four words my sex life quickly became familiar with. At first it was rare, something that “just happens,” and the next thing I knew, I was saying it multiple times a week, begrudgingly comforting my partner that “it was fine,” that I didn’t have an orgasm. Even though it really, really wasn’t. His half-hearted “sorry,” quite honestly meant nothing to me, as I had just suffered through twenty minutes of leg-cramps, and back aches, and a looming UTI that was a mere 48 hours away, trying to get him off, and he was brushing off my sexual pleasure, with an “I’m sorry.”
So, naturally, I felt neglected and betrayed. And though I felt this way, it didn’t seem like I had a right to. My partner was good in other ways, he was loyal, and kind, and took care of me on bad days. But if sex really does live up to its title of “making love,” then wouldn’t the ultimate betrayal of that very love, be to ignore someone’s sexual pleasure?
And though I can already hear the voices that dominate the conversation with their “you don’t need an orgasm to have good, satisfying sex,” I beg to differ. Much like a dinner party where the hostess forgot to buy dessert, sure, you still had a good time, but I can almost guarantee that you thought about the missing dessert on several occasions. And you absolutely can’t deny that you would have much preferred a dinner party with a strong finish, one even featuring whipped cream.
So, no, I’m not going to pretend I didn’t miss the dessert in my nighttime fun. I very much missed the dessert, damnit. And discontinuing my dinner party metaphor, yes, I get to be mad that the person who told me he loved me, blatanly ignored my pleasure. And while no one is perfect, we simply cannot let our partners overlook our sexual wants, needs, fantasies, desires, much like we wouldn’t let our significant others ignore our emotional needs.
Remember: Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not forgetting your partner’s orgasm.