If you are a sexually-active female, it is likely you have been warned that at some point in your sexual career, you may find yourself having to “fake it.” A woman’s ability to fake an orgasm could easily be considered both a blessing and a curse; it gives us the power to end any undesirably long sexual encounter, but simultaneously leaves us unsatisfied and feeling as if our orgasm is a lesser priority. Regardless if it really is a blessing or a curse, where did this culture of “it’s okay to fake it” or “do it so you don’t hurt his pride” come from? Since when did society declare it unacceptable women to be honest with their sexual partner? We seem to be a part of a culture that makes women feel as if it is inappropriate to direct our partners to what is pleasurable. Women couldn’t possibly instruct a man on how to bring a woman to orgasm, that would be unbelievably insulting—after all, men are experts on all things female pleasure.
I personally believe that it is crucial to abandon the culture of faked orgasms, and, instead, realize the importance of honest and open communication. If you able to engage in the physically intimate act of sex, why then is it unacceptable to have the intimate conversation of how exactly you like to be pleasured? Why are we so concerned that this conversation will embarrass our partner? Is “faking it,” simply another product of our fear of injuring a man’s ego? Faking these orgasms seems to be the unspoken representation that the wellbeing of a male’s ego will always take greater precedence over the female orgasm—not even in the bedroom can we escape the patriarchal society we live in.
As women, the only way we can give our orgasm the attention it deserves is to fight for it ourselves. We cannot wait for the day in which a man will take the time to assure that a woman has climaxed. I am not here to propose that men are a bunch of sexually selfish monsters, I believe quite the opposite. I believe that men and women alike are victims in the culture where female pleasure is put at a lesser status. When women fake orgasms, they are not only putting their sexual satisfaction at risk, but are conditioning men to believe that minimal effort leads to orgasm. Faking an orgasm is no different than marking a student’s failed spelling test with an A+. Little Billy might spend his whole life spelling the word “beginning” wrong if we are to hand out false senses of accomplishment, just like the guy from the bar might spend his whole life leaving his sexual partners unsatisfied. I am here to testify that there are men out there who care about your orgasm, and if you are to speak up for it, your partner will fight for it too.
But how to we go about this conversation? Is there a way to politely stop our partners and say, “hey, hello, what you’re doing isn’t working!” without ruining our partner’s self-esteem and the mood? While putting a complete pause on sex is far from ideal or comfortable, sometimes you simply have to do what ya gotta do. In my personal experience, addressing the issue is best started with the line, “you should try doing *blank* instead. Sometimes a complete halt to a sexual encounter is not always necessary either. Giving step by step instruction (in a sexy, moaning voice, of course) can not only help you but turn your partner on as well. Who knew the phrases “right there” or a “little lower,” could be so sensual?
This unreasonable belief that we can effortlessly bring our partners to orgasm every time may have stemmed from the glamourized movies or distorted pornos. Regardless of where it came from, it is a misconception we must work to solve. Whether we are sleeping with the opposite sex or with an individual of the same sex, we do not know our partner’s body like we know our own. Each and every person is pleasured in a different way and by different things, and supposing that we know our partner’s needs without communication is not only foolish, but detrimental to their sexual fulfillment. The key to having great sex is conquering our pride and tackling the difficult conversations. After all, nothing about sex was intended to be silent.