I'm Casually Sleeping With My Ex (And It's the Best Sex I've Ever Had)

Casually sleeping with your ex (and being open about it) usually warrants one of two responses: half-hearted support, or an unsolicited ten minute lecture that “it will never end well.” I’ve become so well acquainted with these responses, in fact, that I’ve rehearsed my answers religiously. It goes a little something like this: “yeah, well it’s working for right now…but we’ll see” (emphasis on “we’ll see”). Because the thing is, sleeping with your ex is that it really is a ticking time bomb—but the rumors are true, high risk situations are the perfect breeding ground for really (really) great sex. Nothing is more exciting or more stimulating than taking a leap of faith into the unsettling comfort of your exes’ bed sheets—right?

Alright, I know it’s a mess. It is absolutely a disaster waiting to happen. It’s all the dangers of the “friends with benefits” trope with the added bonus of the emotional baggage and resentment that comes with a tragic breakup—the cherry on top of a big pile of shit. But guess who has no intention of stopping? You guessed it…it’s me. And why you might ask? Why would I willingly put myself in an emotionally dangerous situation? Why would I rip open the wound of past relationships? Because the sex really is that great. Not only are we comfortable with each other, but we really know each other. While sleeping with your ex might, at times, feel emotionally unsafe. There are other beautiful moments where you know you can trust this person with your body, because you’ve spent months (maybe even years) working to build that trust. Sure, people fall out of love. And sure, sex with your ex can transform from emotional intimacy to simply getting-off. But do we ever really stop caring about our exes, no matter how messy the breakup is? As much as we like to deny it, exes will always hold a unique place in our heart that feels—irreplaceable. Which is the very reason, in my opinion, that hooking up with my ex has gone as well as it has.

Though we will never admit it, this “ghost of boyfriends past” and I still love each other. Sure, this love is very different from the love we felt when we first met each other. It’s a love that changes every day. Some days I love the way he reads his book and drinks his coffee, other days the only thing I love about him is the way his naked ass looks in my shower. But I guess that’s how the friends-with-benefits cookie crumbles.

Though I have yet to hear a success story about two exes who casually screw their way to love, and happiness, and a fulfilling relationship, maybe we’re the exception (and maybe this is hopelessly optimistic). Either way, I’m happy and having the best sex of my life—so who’s really winning here? And while I am painfully aware that the questions of “can you ever really be friends with your ex,” “are you still in love with him,” and “will you ever get back together,” will likely never end, maybe there are more important questions to ask.

Perhaps we should, instead, be asking if sex is destined for love, or if two people really can be better suited for casual sex than an intimate relationship? And while I don’t have the answers, what I do have is a fulfilling friends with benefits, accidentally blissful, wonderfully passionate, not-relationship—and I wouldn’t have it any other way. And maybe just maybe, you, too, could have this accidental and unconventional bliss.

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