Boring sex: the junior high of your sex life, it’s miserable, it’s awkward, and while no one wants to go through it, everyone has to at some point in their life. While some are lucky enough to only stumble across it once in a blue moon, others of us find ourselves basking in the sweaty discomfort of long term-relationships with less than satisfactory sex, for longer than we ever thought possible. Most often, we reassure ourselves that it will “get better with time,” “a new position will fix this,” or yes, that sex toy you bought at that party is sure to spice up your C- of a sex life in no time. But at the end of the day, the real question we SHOULD be asking is good sex born or made? If the sex starts off as lackluster, will it ever find its shine? Or is sexual chemistry simply something that’s intrinsic—either it’s there, or it’s not?
Like anything, “boring” sex lives have their success stories. At first the sexual chemistry is off, and things aren’t fitting together (no pun intended), then a few “Cosmo positions of the month” later, and that vanilla, missionary sex is no longer—couples learn what their partners like, and eventually feel comfortable enough to step out of two-position boxes.
But whether or not nature or nurture is at play in the world of boring sex, how are we to know whether we’ll be stuck falling asleep under our partners forever, or we’ll eventually dig our way out of our sexual slumps? And the answer is simple: communication.
If you can’t communicate effectively with your partner about anything and everything, you simply won’t feel comfortable speaking up for your sexual needs. And realistically your partner is not a mind-reader, he or she won’t know your sexual fantasies until you tell them. So, if you aren’t speaking up for your turn-ons, fantasies, and sexual desires, you just might be to blame for the “boring” sex in your relationship.
And you may be thinking, “it can’t be THAT easy.” Well…sometimes communicating your sexual needs is the hardest thing to do in the bedroom (even if it’s not the only hard thing in between the sheets). Personally for me, as a woman, whenever I offered critique, or made suggestions to try new things, I was always left with a feeling of guilt. I didn’t want to be critical of my partner, or make them feel insecure about our sex life, so more often than not, I just went without. Perhaps these hesitations stemmed from the culture that warned me never to emasculate a man. And the quickest way to “bust a man’s balls” always seemed to be critiquing what he did with them. But I can promise you, that if you communicate your wants and needs, it won’t be the only sexual favor you’ll be giving them.