Have you ever had to endure the moans and screams of weeknight shenanigans in the next room, only to find yourself awkwardly turning up the volume on New Girl, or smothering your ears with innocent stuffed animals? Well, there’s a solution. And it’s called pulling a “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.” In this case you, the righter of wrongs, call upon an accomplice to help match your roommate’s filthy sexual expressions, only to interrupt her late-night rendezvous by yelling and banging on the wall with absolute pleasure. Make sure you give a performance that can’t be rivaled. She’ll get the hint. Note: you can fake it and have the same effect.
We know them all too well: the infamous slobs. Weather she’s neglecting a mountain of dishes after preparing the massive equivalent to her third “last supper” of the day, or exuding putrid smells from her room that only two-week-old leftovers and sweaty feet could emit, the best remedy for a sloppy roommate might include mice. Buy them cheaply online and release them into her dwelling. They’ll take care of the dirty work for you. She’ll scream. She’ll learn. Problem solved.
Are you ever trying to sleep, only to awake to the intruding sound of some “coffee house” playlist and typing fingers, blurrily glancing at your alarm clock to realize it’s 3 a.m. and your roommate is doing her homework? You’re groggy and wonder if she ever sleeps. But as the minutes pass, you find yourself unable to fall back to sleep, pepping yourself with the idea that she has to finish soon. But before you know it, it’s 7 a.m. and she’s getting ready for class. No sleep necessary. The answer? Drugs. Drug her. Drug her water. Drug her dinner. (She’ll think you’re so sweet to cook). Drug her protein powder. Anything. Just knock her out. I promise she’ll start doing her homework during the day.
Have you ever dealt with someone who, without a doubt, will start a fight/argument over anything? Ever lived with one? The constant bickering can be draining, and the debates never seem to go anywhere or resolve anything. Does she think this is fun? Arguing over things as simple as your workout routines, your shampoo brands, how often you shower and your political ties can get tiresome when addressed confrontationally on a constant basis. Solution? Beat her. Buy a pull-up bar. Learn every ingredient that goes into various shampoos to prove yours is better. Ensure that you smell amazing, even after you protest showering for a week straight in her honor. Enroll in a debate class. Shut. Her. Up. You’ve got this.
Everyone deals with an antisocial roommate. They seem awkward, secretive and mysterious, even, but in reality they’re nothing compared to the loud and over-sexual. Just leave yours alone. No outlandish tactics necessary. You can find other friends. So just be thankful this one likely won’t barge in on you showering or steal your food. She’s too busy with whatever goes on behind her closed door to care.
As a final note, if your crazy roommate is doing anything else you don’t approve of, and that wasn’t addressed here, there’s always the shameless solution of Facebook messaging her mom.