As of recent, I have once again joined the band of single, college aged individuals, and this time it is with open arms. As the saying goes, I am indeed “single as a Pringle” which to me doesn’t seem like a great representation of my current status. Pringles are safely encased in a damage free armor, surrounded by their friends in a constant celebratory cuddle, because after all who doesn’t love Pringles? Currently, I am sitting in a cold wooden chair, alone, in a coffee shop in an attempt to plant a healing seed within my very being, while also waiting for the caffeine to kick in.
In an attempt to understand why an individual would join forces with a complete stranger, I have begun to look inward. For me, being in a relationship helps soften the blow of accepting the universal truth that we are in this world collectively alone. We are guided out of the womb alone and we are guided out of this world alone, so it seems very obvious that to cope with this fear we band together. Humans are also extremely social creatures, it’s a survival mechanism, so there’s also the biological factor that may help explain alliances. Looking past these obvious reasons and speaking entirely from personal experience, there are also people who get into relationships because they are deeply flawed. The reality is that a broken person cannot fix another broken person.
Instead of facing my own problems, I was simply pushing them aside and distracting myself with the new flame I was constantly tending. I was providing the oxygen to keep the fire going and yet oblivious to the personal forest fire I was creating. At first it was great, I could focus entirely on my significant other without having to really look within myself and understand why I always felt the need to have constant company. In the end, I had wasted a year of personal growth by dismissing the fact that I was not happy with the person I had become. Fearing pain, I avoided it at all costs, but didn’t know that if you can learn to fully feel and accept your emotions without judgment nothing really has the power to knock you on your butt again. Experiencing a summer of being utterly alone was what changed my perspective on relationships and the relationship I had with myself.
I got myself out of a pattern of unhealthy partnerships by distracting myself in a different way, instead of with another person I did it with a job. Now bussing isn’t the most glorious job to be had, but hey, it was a job that required hard work and manual labor, something that would quiet my chattering mind. I got up early, put in the hours and then would leave after a long day with growing calf muscles and a body that smelled of sweat and tears. I learned how to enter a room not knowing anyone and left with friendships that complemented my growth. It is safe to say that I no longer fear entering a new environment alone, something that had once caused crippling anxiety and flaky tendencies. I began to understand that the root of my dependency in relationships were my feelings of inadequacy within myself. Constantly feeling the need to have someone by my side to prove that I was worthy. In the end, I learned that through productive distractions you can save yourself. By allowing yourself to have no time for negative thought patterns, personal growth is able to prosper.