Recently, while watching the Netflix show Sex Explained with the University of Utah’s very own Dr. Diamond, I learned about the three things that turn people on — namely group sex, novelty, and power and control. I would really recommend watching the show to get a deeper understanding of how these three elements interact with human sexuality. But one of the things that was touched on in the show is the very common fantasy of having a threeway. So whether you’re actively pursuing it, just fantasizing, or seeing if it’s possible to have one and maintain your relationship, here’s my recommended guide for getting it on with a partner… and someone else.
The first step with any big decision in your relationship is self-meditation. Do you want this? Why do you want this? Is it worth it to go through with this? All of these questions (and many more — it’s up to you!) should be carefully and thoughtfully considered so you can make sure you’re doing this for the right reasons. In this stage, think about if you want to add another person to your emotional relationship or just keep things no-strings-attached sexual with your third partner. Also consider this: jealousy for both you and your partner is going to happen to some extent. Is it worth having this emotion enter your relationship? Some people get turned on by a little jealousy, but too much can get toxic, QUICK.
The next step is talking with your partner. The key thing here is making sure that if they agree to a threesome, it’s not because they want to do it for you. Having a mutual interest is key here. Otherwise, they may feel like they were coerced into this experience. While you’re talking with your partner, an idea is for both of you to write down why you want a threesome without talking to each other, and then going through what you each wrote down. If doing it to please you is on their list (or vice versa), take a hard look at whether this is worth it. Talk about the best and worst outcomes, and conduct some risk/benefit analysis with each scenario.
Thirdly, it’s time to set boundaries — both for each other and the third. Make sure you’re in super clear agreement about what’s about to go down. During this discussion phase, also talk about a list of ground rules you and your partner would both feel comfortable sticking to — things like which sex acts you are and aren’t comfortable with each other doing, a word or signal you can give to tell the other that it’s time to take a break, and how you’re going to debrief. Remember to write these rules down — you don’t want ANY room for confusion later down the line. Make sure no one feels any pressure or compromise — we want this to be a fulfilling experience for everyone involved.
Now comes the fun part. You and your significant other can create a dating profile on an app that you feel comfortable on — be it Tinder, Bumble, Grindr, or even a threesome specific app like Feeld. Make sure you both have access to the profile, and then have fun going through potential options together. This is a great way to ‘test the waters’ and see if you’re both still into it as things start getting more and more real. It’s also a great way to have a sort of foreplay with this experience. And remember this absolutely CRUCIAL piece of advice — do NOT have a friend for a third. The best reason for this is something along the lines of: you don’t want to go into a threesome and see how much your partner and best friend like having sex.
Next up is meeting your third. Both of you feel good, and you’re ready to meet this person who you’re going to allow into your relationship! The most important thing is NOT jumping directly into sex. Nothing can tell you if it’s gonna work like the chemistry between the three of you when you finally get together. Get a coffee, ice cream, or even dinner, and see how you both feel before you go through with it. If the vibe is off for you or your partner, it’s back to the drawing board. Have a way that if either of you is uncomfortable, you’re able to call it off without the third feeling awkward.
Second to last step is doing the deed… I’ll leave all that up to you ;)
Finally, debrief with your partner. Is this going to happen again? If yes, with the same person? Different people? Did you both love it? Did you both hate it? Keep an open, nonjudgmental line of communication open. That’s key in all these steps. Nothing is going to be healthy, trusting, and fun if you and your partner have bad communication, are unable to set healthy boundaries, and don’t have a really solid measure of trust.
I hope you learned something from this — and happy exploring!