Cristina Yang is the epitome of the person I see myself as. If I told someone who knew me at arm’s length this, they’d be taken aback. If I told someone who knew me well, they’d nod their head in understanding.
Let’s back up.
Grey’s Anatomy is a drama that starts out with telling the story about surgical residents at Seattle Grace Hospital. One of the residents is the titular character Meredith Grey. But to me, the real star of the show is Cristina Yang. She’s calloused. She’s career-focused. She feels deeply but doesn’t let that affect her work. She wheels herself around to perform rounds when she was a patient herself in the hospital. She’s my icon. I want to embody Cristina Yang.
If you’ve ever had a conversation with me, I’m nothing like that. At least, not outwardly. I’m… bubbly. I’m really, really bubbly. My first impressions are generally the antithesis to Cristina Yang. So why do I resonate with her so much?
When push comes to shove, I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve. The exuberant exterior is my own form of callous – I’m always happy so no one ever thinks I struggle. Like Cristina, I’ve repressed the more vulnerable parts of myself. In the ninth grade, I had come down with the stomach flu that didn’t get better by the time I had a biology exam. Did I get a note written to excuse me for the day and get a makeup test later? Like hell I did. I took that test. And I got an A. Because what kind of workaholic lets feelings direct their actions? Not me. Not Cristina. S’all brain, baby.
Well, unfortunately, I didn’t get an A in other parts of life. While the academic and career portions of my life went smooth like butter, my relationships… stuttered. I have a handful of close friends and a tight-knit family, but beyond that, I tend to reject new, uncomfortable experiences. They’re simply difficult to navigate when your entire social life can be summed up in “I pretended to go to my senior prom because my mom insisted that I should be a normal teenager, but I actually just took pictures with a group of friends, posted them on Instagram, and I went to my best friend’s house to study for our AP and IB exams.” Yes, that’s a true story.
My basic philosophy is that I’m hesitant to let someone into the landscape of my life, but I still want to… eventually. This is maybe the only part of my life I heavily procrastinate.
I felt a little bit of nausea when I realized this about myself. There came a point in my life when I thought I was completely devoid of romance emotion. But that’s ridiculous; I’m not devoid any emotion. I just have been made to feel that way by the portrayal of romance around me and in the media. Cristina Yang is the first and only character to represent how I navigate these social and romantic circles. I’m starting to think that someone needs to talk about this. Because while I believe I’m not alone in this, I feel completely alien. I feel as though there might be something wrong with me because I don’t think I experience romance the same way I see everyone else seemingly does. There has to be a way for people like me to make dating work. So I’m going to write my very own guidelines.
Recognize that vulnerability looks different on everyone. I’m not saying that any person who struggles with Cristina Yang Syndrome needs to fundamentally change as a person. You don’t need to become a Care Bear in the face of romance. That may work for some, but it doesn’t fit everyone. I firmly believe everyone innately has a way of expressing themselves that feels appropriate. You’re not Satan’s daughter if you don’t ooze rainbows every time you see the person you like. This goes hand-in-hand with the idea of the Five Love Languages – Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, and Quality Time. For me, vulnerability is a bit quieter than the bold type of love you see in movies and show in the manifestation of quality time. I know I really like someone when I avidly seek to make time for them. Time is the most valuable thing in the world, and I could be risking wasting it on someone who may hurt me. So, in the words of family and marriage therapist Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, “There is this idea that being vulnerable means opening ourselves to attack,” I’m opening myself up to attack purposefully. Which means I potentially risk losing sight of productivity due to emotional setbacks.
Which brings me to this point: You don’t have to choose between your career and your partner. Workaholics, you know what I mean. To non-workaholics who may potentially date workaholics, you must understand that we feel physically ill at the thought of getting behind on work. It’s stupid, but it’s true. We love the thrill of work. We love it so much that sometimes it shrouds the love of other areas of life. So, workaholics, it’s important to learn work-life balance. While I’ve heard of this idea multiple times in professional settings, its meaning was illuminated for me during Shonda Rhimes’ TED Talk when she discussed that work is important, but it’s not the only thing you need. It’s not who you are. Without work, you aren’t nothing. You are the summation of your environment and chemistry. You are the people, songs, food, places, and books you love. You are you. And while you may love work, that’s not the only thing you love. No one really thinks work is the most important thing in the world. It’s more a form of escapism – we can get busy and become successful to hold the place of the satisfaction that raw emotion can give. Work is not enough if you feel deep down that you crave a relationship. And not saying how you feel is not going to give you the relationship you crave.
We have the building blocks of knowledge that intimacy is the foundation of a relationship and that your identity is not based on your successes. Now the last rule comes into play: stay true to you. This is more of a summary than a new rule. You merely need to stay true to yourself. Express yourself as you see fit. Maybe you’re not the type to create a pathway of roses to someone’s bed, which they find is covered in a gajillion rose petals that spell, “I love you!” However, maybe you are the type to spend hours just listening to your significant other work through a struggle of theirs. Maybe you remember their order at their favorite restaurant. Maybe you have the magic of knowing what to say to make their day brighter. Whatever it is, don’t feel inadequate as a partner (or unwhole as a person) if you aren’t the cliche rom-com star of all John Hughes movies. You can still be your own individual, while partnered up with another super cool individual. It can happen, even if it is seldom represented that you don’t need to drop every priority in your life for the sake of a relationship.
Romance looks different on everyone, and I think there needs to be a more realistic representation of those types of love. So, Cristina Yangs of the world, if there’s anything our nerd selves know how to do, it is one, following rules; and two, changing the game. So let’s change the game. Let’s be the examples we want to see. Let’s normalize the way we know how to express ourselves. We can do love; we just have to it our way.
Image Credit: Giphy