I’ve always considered myself to be a very independent person. Growing up, I was always on top of my grades and assignments and was constantly participating in volunteer opportunities and extracurricular activities to prepare for college. I rarely ever needed to ask for help and was always everyone’s “go-to” girl for problem solving.
In this sense, it sounds like I was a very “do-it-yourself” kind of girl, but in reality, I only thought I was. My parents took care of the basics for me—house, money, clothes, food—and I did the rest, which I thought was the hard part. School, homework, volunteering—I was doing what I was supposed to be doing: planning for the future. However, I stayed away from anything that scared me or was any kind of risk, while in some ways I was independent, I relied on others—and their opinions of me—more than I thought. I was independent, but only within the walls I’d built around myself.
In dating, I was the same way—very strong-willed and aloof. My senior year of high school, my closest guy friend at the time called me “intimidating” and said that I shouldn’t be so forward with my opinions. I was told to “let a guy be a guy” by waiting for my door to be opened for me and never reaching for the check while on a date—things I’ve always been a little uncomfortable with and found outdated. I’m a very shy person to begin with, so letting myself be vulnerable has never been easy, but changing who I was to get someone to like me seemed ridiculous, and I was doing fine on my own, despite a few half-hearted attempts, I stayed away from the dating scene.
Along with not knowing “how to date,” being single added to the persona of the “strong, independent woman” I’d decided I was. I didn’t need a man to make me happy or to make my life meaningful. I was entirely content with being by myself, relishing girls’ nights and evenings spent cuddling on the couch with my dogs. I felt bad for friends who got their self-esteem from dating and getting asked on dates, and I hoped they’d find something “more meaningful” to spend their time on.
I completed a whole year at college before I even considered dating, and I started looking for dates timidly—trying to vaguely show my interest so that if they didn’t feel the same way, I wouldn’t face the embarrassment of rejection. I was terrified by what others would think of me, and I’d built so much of my identity on being “the girl who never dates” and “the girl who’s on her own” that I felt pathetic for even thinking of looking for someone to share my time with. My “independence” was founded on shyness and fear, not empowerment.
When I met my boyfriend, I knew right from the start that there was something different about him. Talking to him didn’t feel like a guessing game or a job interview; I could actually be myself—feminist rants and all. Not to mention we really talked, and I mean a lot. From opening doors to trading off paying for dates—we knew exactly how the other wanted to be treated, and we respected that, ignoring others’ expected gender roles. We respected each other’s opinions and encouraged each other to do what makes us happy. We took care of each other, and we could be vulnerable and say exactly how we felt without having to worry about me appearing “needy” or him appearing “unmanly.”
This incredibly respectful relationship was exactly what I needed in order to realize that I wasn’t really as empowered as I thought. Part of being that close to someone means that you can no longer hide your fears and flaws, and you are forced to acknowledge them. I saw a girl who had grown up with a privileged life—a good home, a good school, and more love than she could even imagine—and hadn’t fully appreciated it. I saw a girl constantly sticking to what she knew, never venturing beyond her utopian world in which everything could be solved with a good grade, some arguing, a can-do attitude., and if all else fails, a call from your parents.
Zack notices when I try to back out of an opportunity out of fear, and he encourages me to challenge myself and to put myself on the map, but he never makes me feel inadequate if I don’t succeed. He constantly tells me that I am incredible and capable and smart, and he is supportive of every success and understanding of every failure.
Because of that encouragement and constant support, I’ve joined clubs I would have normally watched from the sidelines, and I’ve begun to participate in the countless opportunities that surround me every day at school. Instead of sticking to my “school, eat, sleep” routine, I’ve actually started making time for a social life. I’ve met his friends and gone to their parties and have even become friends with some of them myself. That support has inspired me to reach out and meet people on campus, and I can feel myself opening up more and more each day.
When it comes to the other important relationships in my life, as I’ve seen the love and kindness his family has for each other and the unconditional support they give, I’ve realized that I need to be more present and helpful and more appreciative of what my family does for me. I’ve applied for a job, started budgeting, and created a savings account to help support myself and give back to my family—things I hate to admit I’d never even considered before, as I’d always said I’d “figure that stuff out once I graduated college.”
Being in a relationship hasn’t been the end to my individuality, rather, it has helped to foster and nurture it. I’ve found someone who lets me be who I am and encourages every goal and dream I have. I’ve found a relationship that loves unconditionally and that has not restricted my growth by any means, but has allowed me to become the best, most compassionate version of myself.
Since the start of my relationship, I have been able to better resolve conflict, take care of myself more fully, and manage school, family, and friends in a more healthy way. My relationship has taught me that being independent doesn’t mean being alone, rather, independence means taking care of yourself and your goals without losing track of those you care about. It means being confident, but humble, and recognizing that while you’re smart and capable, you still have plenty to learn from those around you.
I’m still the same girl who lives by a planner, compulsively researches everything, and likes working alone, but my relationship has taught me that there’s value in asking for help and admitting what you don’t know. While I still believe that your happiness should come from you and not your relationship status, I now know that the right relationship will bring out the best, most authentic you and will encourage you to show it.