I used to believe that great sex was something that came as a result of great love. That an exciting sex life was a simple, easy-to-follow recipe that called for two cups of security, three tablespoons of trust, and a heaping spoonful of head over heels, can’t get enough of you love…and oh, how wrong I was. Maybe this belief was the work of one too many romantic comedies. Maybe this was a strategic ploy of my mother in fear that I’d learn the secret that, nope, this is absolutely not true. Regardless of who whipped up this utopic and distorted reality, and laid it at my feet, I have learned the rather harsh life lesson that great love does not make for great sex, just as great sex does not make for great love.
In fact, I’ve had the most mind-numbingly boring sex in my most healthy, most happy, and most committed relationships. And I’ve found myself in three hour blissfully passionate, handcuffed fun where the LAST thing we wanted to do was to be in love with each other. So how then do we make sense of it all? If love is no longer the prerequisite for great sex—then what is? And the answer is “I don’t know.” Great sex really does mean something different to everyone. Great sex could be defined by the length of length of foreplay for one person, and by the willing to experiment for another person.
But I am not here to establish an objective definition of “great sex.” What I am here to do, however, is desperately pry apart love and good sex. While it could be argued that bad sex is often a reflection of a bad relationship, we absolutely must acknowledge that just because two people are sexually compatible, does NOT mean they are emotionally, spiritually or mentally compatible. Sometimes good sex is just good sex—nothing more and nothing less. And to be brutally honest, we have to stop reading too much into our passionate (casual) sexual encounters, because when we do, we’re just sticking our foot into a giant heartbreak mousetrap.
Don’t let someone’s skills in between the sheets fool you. YES, people can kiss like that and have zero (yes zero) romantic feelings for you. YES, people who are just friends, or even just strangers, can have electric sexual chemistry. And no, good sex is not God’s sign that you two are destined to be together; having the best sex of your life is NOT the Universe’s way of telling you that this person is your soulmate. Though sex, under the right circumstances, can make a good relationship into a great one, it doesn’t mean that a late night hookup always brings two star-crossed lovers together.
So, let this be a call to action to keep casual sex casual, and stop expecting our late-night hookups to transform into our own rendition of Mila Kunis’ and JT’s Friends with Benefits. Sure, there are success stories. But there’s no guarantee that YOU will be that success story. And in the end, the “no strings attached” trope nine times out of ten has a crash and burn ending, rather than a happy ending.