Loving someone is taking the sacrifice to know that there is a chance you are going to experience a painful, terrifying low. Congratulations, you loved someone, you let them in, you gave them a part of you, and now you are amidst a transformation. I know that you feel that although you may be on the same planet, you are in a completely different world.
I wish I could physically be in front of you and say, “Let yourself feel this pain, anger, despair, hopelessness. Your emotions and feelings are completely valid. When happiness arises, reward yourself by feeling it. Don’t remind yourself that you need to be sad because one human isn’t currently present in your life.” I have interrupted blissful moments by allowing myself to think that the person who caused my heartbreak is better than my happiness. There is no one better than your happiness.
It is 12:30 AM and after almost five complete days of not giving in to him, I caved. I didn’t follow any of my friend’s advice, I broke the rules, I told him I missed him and so much more. I am lying awake convinced that he is with another girl, that her body is laying on the bed I considered mine for the past year. I wondered if she is mesmerized in his eyes or if they are laughing while cracking another beer. Or my biggest fear, that she was making him happier than I did. I am telling you this because I want you to know that you are not alone or crazy for possibly doing the same thing. I learned from this experience that as humans, we only control our own thoughts and actions. I am going to be honest, I thought about driving past his house just to see if a ‘girly’ car was there. But what would that solve? I could keep torturing myself with my thoughts or I could make myself happy by going out with my friends, taking a bath, watching Sex in the City (breakup episodes of course), think about my goals, my accomplishments, the list goes on of actions and thoughts you can do instead of linger on what is making your heart hurt even more.
“We will stay friends, we can get back together one day”
Someone who really meant something to you is now out of your life. That is the hardest part to accept. I see almost every one of my friends try some twisted friendship that still involves the same intimacy as when they were together. I have never seen a positive outcome. I address this because I have heard more than once, “maybe one day when the right stars are aligned you two will reconnect, either as friends or as lovers.” This kind of hope is the same thing as playing with fire. You are going on a transformative journey and putting the expectation on yourself that the goal is ‘this person’ takes away so much of your freedom. I’m not saying friendships are impossible, but I do think that you should know if it is meant to be it will be and for now, give yourself time to heal.
“What if, should have, could have and fault”
You can repeat the “what if’s, should have’s, could have’s, and faults” all you want, but it is not going to change anything. You may want nothing more in this entire universe than for he or she to realize how much of an idiot they are to lose you, that no other person will love them like you did. No one has control over the color of the sky and no one has control of another’s thoughts. He or she may or may not have this epiphany that you are everything. They could be however, hoping you are in pain realizing that they were everything, rather than thinking about how you were everything. Our mind can be twisted while dealing with the pain of heartbreak, but in reality neither person should be dwelling on the others thoughts. Don’t agonize yourself about what you should have said or done differently. The relationship ended because of a larger reason than whatever “should have or could have” your thinking about. It is easy to forget, so I am going to remind you that there is no going back in time, accept this present moment, hold your chin up and move forward. The world didn’t stop spinning and time is going to work in your favor.
You will go through moments of thinking you messed everything up and you will never be loved by someone the way they loved you or tiny nose and forehead kisses will never happen again in your life. I promise you they will and the only person who decides that you are amazing is you.
Time to heal
Your heart might feel like an avalanche occurred in your chest and it is absolutley horrific. Despite what anyone says to help you get through this. Here’s how to control the bleeding:
Write down what you need and want in a partner. Don’t think about anyone else but you. This will take some self control, but don’t worry, you can allow yourself to think about him or her and write everything you love about them. Open your heart, think about memories, cry if needed, but then, write everything that drove you crazy about that person, the things that boiled your blood and what hurt you. Acknowledge why this person should no longer be in your life.
You have probably heard this a million times, but surround yourself with the people you love and that love you. Weather it is your friends, your family, your animals, embrace them because it has probably been a while since you’ve had quality time with them, without him or her. When you feel the least motivated to get yourself up that’s when you need it the most.
Do you. Do everything that makes you happy. A budget does come into play, but now that you aren’t rushing home to see him, pick up a few more shifts at work. This might sound crazy, but this is a really exciting time for you! Change your hair color, embrace your passions, take care of your skin, drink water, eat food that is good for both your mind and body, read a new book, buy a new lipstick. Now is the time to do it all. Eventually, you will come out of this with insight, empathy, growth, knowledge and most importantly independence and self-love. I promise, we will get there.