1. Constantly Being Asked if You’re Mormon
This is that annoying question that always comes up when you’re on vacation in literally any state and a local finds out you’re from Utah. The first thing they’ll want to know is how many siblings you have and the second is how many sister-wives. You’ll watch their face fade to disappointment as you inform them that you’re part of the near 37% of Utah that isn’t Mormon. We’ve all been there. Even worse is when someone asks you when you’re in Utah. This is awful because chances are they’re trying to find out if you’re a suitable friend/girlfriend/babysitter and while most people admittedly don’t care whether you’re Mormon or not when trying to fit you into one of those roles, most of us have been in a situation where our non-Mormonism has lost us a potential friend/boyfriend/babysitting gig.
2. Being the only pre-teen in a Bikini
I remember it like it was yesterday. It was my elementary school’s “Swim Day.” The day where all the sixth graders got to go to the local public swimming pool and everyone else in the school was ridden with envy. I sprinted from the bus to the pool, taking my swim cover up off while I ran and suddenly I heard the shrill voice of a 45-year-old teacher yelling at me. I wasn’t in trouble for running on the pool-deck (which is legitimately dangerous.) I was in trouble for wearing a two-piece swimsuit. They made me swim in a t-shirt the rest of the day. And in case you’re wondering, no, the boys didn’t have to swim in t-shirts.
3. Never Going Through that No-Swearing Phase
This one is so Utah-specific it’s not even funny. I remember the moments leading up to my first make-out. The senior boy bragged about how he “hadn’t sworn since April 3rd, 2013.” I spent most of the night trying to hold in the” f*cks” and “g*d damn its” that become so common in your language your freshman year of high school. He was a hot senior so I thought “Wow, maybe cool kids don’t swear.” Then by the end of the night, I had a raging headache that could be due to one of two things: a lack of sleep or a lack of swearing. Logistically, it was probably the lack of sleep, but let’s be real. If you spend your whole life holding in the word “f*ck” and replacing it with “freak” you’ll definitely age faster.
4. The Marriage Crisis
I’m 18 right now. In most states, this means living in a dorm and practicing horrifically unsafe drinking habits. However, in Utah, 18 means watching girls you went to high school with get married and start coming up with baby names. Now, I’m not upset merely because girls are 18 and getting married. I’m upset because it makes the rest of us feel like we need to be married by 25 or we’re gonna die sad and alone. Not to mention, it makes us feel like we should start having children in our early twenties and, I don’t know, I guess I’m just not ready to do that to my vagina this early in life.
Every state has its own weird culture – Utah’s is just way more common than other’s.