I’ve been practicing gratitude in my journal entries lately, as requested by my therapist. About a month ago, I was finding that my anxiety and depression were getting out of control. I realized I needed an action plan desperately. From morning to night, I was exhausting myself with pessimistic thought patterns, assuming the worst case scenario about everything, worrying about the inevitably uncertain future, and chipping away at my own self confidence. Because I’ve always been a journal writer, it wasn’t a challenge when my therapist asked me to start journaling, and I’m writing now more than I ever have in my life. I have faith I’m going through big changes.
First thing in the morning before I start my Keurig or even get out of bed, I write a list of things on my mind in that fresh morning moment that I’m thankful for. My therapist asked me to make it, “thankfulness with specificity,” so the more specific I am, the more meaningful the items will be.
Then, before I lay down for bed, I write a review of my day. This review includes it all: highs, lows, and the mundane. When I write about a low, I evaluate how I got through it and what I learned from that experience. After all, it’s great to look at the negative things in life as lessons and not as empty failures. Buddhist author Jack Kornfield says to honor your tears as much as your joy, for they are just as sacred. When I heard him say that in a podcast, I attached that to my mental toolbelt and I now carry that with me everywhere. It’s one of my favorite sayings.
When I write my thankfulness with specificity, often my list is made up of people in my “circle,” beautiful things in nature, and simple yet profound privileges I possess. Occasionally, I also throw in personal qualities I like about myself. Interestingly, I realized that the personal qualities in myself that I’m thankful for are often through the lens of being serving to others.
For example, I’m thankful for my blue eyes because I think blue eyes are pretty, they’re less common than brown, and I like receiving compliments on my eyes. I’m thankful for my strong, curvy body because it’s capable of doing powerful physical activity and it’s even become a new standard of beautiful body types these days. I’m thankful for the fact that I’m highly empathetic because others feel connected and safe with me when they’re having a certain experience. I’m thankful for the fact that I’m funny because I make people smile and laugh.
I can’t help but feel that maybe I should love my body or personality or any of my personal qualities simply and purely because it’s just the way I am. I should wholly love myself regardless of how these personal qualities affect others. I would’ve never thought to write, “I’m thankful for the fact that I’m stubborn” or, “I’m thankful for the weird, big callous on my right ring finger.” Why? Because in my head, I looked at those qualities as negative ones that didn’t serve anyone or any good purpose.
Yes, perhaps certain things about me affect others positively. I do have physical traits which I think are attractive, I do possess empathy which is valuable to others, and I am funny. But ideally, the core reason why I should love myself is not because my personal qualities serve others in any way. It’s definitely nice that they do, but it’s just a bonus. The flower or fruit is that others are served by my qualities, but the root is that it’s just me. It’s about unconditional acceptance, not the dualistic nature of “good” or “bad.”
Love your personal qualities simply because it’s the way you are, period. Whether you appreciate something about yourself or not should not be dependent on if it serves others or not. Try not to focus on how your qualities serve others or how they inflate your ego, and don’t discount them if they don’t fulfill one of those purposes.
I’m exactly the way I was designed and destined to be. The “good” and the “bad,” the joy and the tears. So are you.