As a child, you never imagine a world without your parents. You believe that they are both immortal, and so are you. Most of the time, children, and even young adults don’t develop the ability to truly understand what death is until around the age of 14 or sometimes later. This is due to a survival instinct that makes us believe our parents will always protect us and that we will inevitably be safe in their care. Unfortunately, this is far from the truth. On average 1.3 million people die in car accidents, and of the 1.3 million, 650,000 are between the ages of twenty and forty-five. Many people are included in these statistics but, until you know someone who is apart of them, they are just numbers. September 8th, 2015, my mom pulled out of our driveway to retrieve her phone from the Apple store. She didn’t even make it across the street before she was struck by an oncoming vehicle. She passed away later that day around 7:00 pm in the Orlando hospital.
Grief is dealt with in steps, and every case is different. The first step is denial. Most people in this situation would be in disbelief and ultimately fail to realize the truth that lies right before them. For me, it became real the moment I found out. I didn’t cry; I just sat there in silence taking in all that had just occurred. For me, this was the healthiest thing to do. People react to grief and emotion is different ways and not every instinct on how to release it is healthy. For example, my step-father tried to break down the door to the ER to see my mother even after she had passed away. This was not the healthiest reaction, but to him, it felt like the best thing to do.
The second stage of grief is anger. Again, I did not react this way. I never got angry; I just got quiet. I didn’t speak about it because I figured if I never talked about it, it was as if it never happened. This isn’t the healthiest thing to do but, this is what felt comfortable to me. Everyone reacts differently to each step, and usually, there is no wrong way to grieve unless it’s causing you or someone else harm.
With anger, usually, bargaining comes next. This means that you ask God to bring them back or even to ask God to take you instead. During this time in my life, I had a decent relationship with God, and therefore I never bargained with him. In my mind, I knew that this would do no good because God always has a plan and there was a reason why my mom had to leave earlier than expected. My stepdad never really moved out of the fourth stage. He became depressed and genuinely couldn’t find a will to live anymore. He was stuck blaming God and asking for my mother to come back for almost three years. He felt this intense wave of depression until he passed away a few weeks ago. Most people move out of this stage of grief, but it takes hard work. You can get stuck in a stage if you don’t want to get out. Lucky for me, I skipped over this stage. I turned what should have been depression into ambition by applying to colleges and eventually getting accepted to my dream college.
The last stage is acceptance. This is the stage that I am currently in right now. I still struggle from time to time remembering my mom isn’t here. For instance, when I get excited I will pick up my phone to call my mom, or when I am upset, I will start to talk to her as if she is still here. Acceptance is hard, and it takes longer for certain people like me. Overall, Grief is very mysterious and unique to each person. No two people will react to death the same way or in the same order. We as a society need to remember that grief is a personal process each person must go through on their own and accept the methods they choose as long as they are not causing themselves harm or someone else. In a way we are all children ignoring the outcome of death but, is that all bad?
Throughout all of this, I discovered how to turn my grief into something worth more. I used my emotions to develop my communications skills and eventually pursue a career in Mass Communications. The subject of my mom made it really easy to improve my speaking abilities while expressing my own thoughts and emotions. Although this experience was a great pathway to learn that I love to public speak, we need to keep in mind that all grief is different and people react differently. I happen to use mine to improve myself. Public speaking is now my passion and I hope one day to be able to talk about my personal experience to others going through the same situations.