I often get asked, “How do you not get sick of being with the same person for so long?” and my answer is usually, “I don’t know, I’m just never bored with him!” I have been with my boyfriend Chris for 7 ½ years (it’ll be 8 in July!) and I truly don’t get bored. I have never thought of ending our relationship, and we honestly never argue. How you ask? Well, I sat down with him to answer some questions and give some advice on making a relationship last.
Why did you decide to be in a relationship so young?
S: “I wouldn’t even say it was a relationship, I mean we were exclusively ‘seeing’ each other (whatever that means when you’re 12), but we really were best friends. Our friendship slowly turned into a relationship at one point and I don’t think either of us really realized it. Suddenly we were Chris and Soleil, like we were considered a couple. I think it just happened, neither of us walked into junior high school hell bent on finding a significant other. But obviously, it worked out!”
C: “I wouldn’t say that I actually decided to be in a relationship so young. I think just going into junior high school from elementary school was so different and I knew I was going to make a lot of new friends. One of those friends just happened to have every single class with me the first quarter and just by spending more and more time with her, it developed into the relationship we have today.”
What has kept you together?
S: “Like I said, we were best friends first. We definitely have a large amount of respect for each other as individuals, which is something that has allowed us to grow together and separately. We also learned how to communicate with each other and what is the most effective way to get our points across. But obviously we have an immense amount of love for one another – it’s kind of ridiculous how much we love and care for each other. We also completely trust each other; there has never been a point where I think he cheated on me or doubted his commitment to our relationship. All of these have played a part in us staying together for this long.”
C: “We’ve both learned over the years that communication is key to a healthy and happy relationship. Being open and honest with everything is so important because it creates a trust with each other that you know will last a long time. Another thing that helps is just understanding that you each have lives outside of the relationship. Whether it’s visiting family or hanging out with other friends, if you can let your partner enjoy their time with others, it will only make your relationship stronger when you see them next.”
Did you have to be long distance for college? How was that and how did you deal with it?
S: “Yeah, that was an interesting time in our relationship. The first year of college he was home in Los Angeles and I was up here in San Francisco and it wasn’t that bad. A lot of people were shocked we stayed together going into college, which I actually found incredibly offensive. We had been together for five years at that point, why would we end it? But, we ended up getting through the first year, and then the second year came. That was tough – we were both going through a lot, we weren’t talking as much, and we really needed each other to be close. He surprised me though and decided to come up to Cal State East Bay to pursue his bachelor’s degree, which has helped a lot. I love having him close. The biggest thing I learned from our relationship during that time though was communication is key, and knowing that your partner is a separate person with their own life. You need to let them live their life, and they should do the same.”
C: “We did two years of long distance out of high school. She moved away to USF and I stayed back at home to go to community college while I still decided what I wanted to major in. At first it was rough not seeing each other for months at a time. I tried to make a trip up there at least once a semester and I would also see her when she would come home for holidays and breaks. Again, just being able to trust one another is what has made our relationship last. We knew that we both had to live in separate places to persue our education and we knew that with a little hard work, encouragement and motivation from each other, we would figure it out. Since then, I finished my time at community college with my Associates degrees and have moved to a university only about 45 minutes away.”
Did people doubt your relationship? How did you overcome that?
S: “Wow, yes all the time. Almost everyone did up until sophomore year of high school. I constantly had to defend our relationship, and my choices among other things for years. It took a toll on my psychological well-being, because I would start to think, “should I not be in a relationship”? What I learned from that though is no one else can feel what you feel. I felt secure, happy, and incredibly lucky and loved from day one, so why can’t other people be happy for me and honestly leave me alone? Another hard fact of life, you know people will doubt your relationship, but if you have a loving and supportive partner then I’ve learned it doesn’t necessarily matter what everyone else thinks.”
C: “All the time. It’s hard to stay motivated when people tell you that you’re too young to be in love or that you’re not old enough to know how a relationship is supposed to work. There comes a time where you begin to understand what you want out of the relationship, what your partner wants, and what you both collectively want as a couple. The moment you realize that and are able to work together to reach those goals, you’re set. Just being about to trust your gut and convince yourself you made the right decision will help you overcome obstacles others place on your relationship.”
Wait, you never fight? How?
S: “Yeah that’s weird to think right? Again communication is the key to not fighting. We know how to communicate with each other and how to effectively get across what we are trying to say. Whenever someone asks how we never fight, that’s what I always say. Also respect, we respect one another so there’s really no point in fighting about something when we can just talk it over.”
C: “We have never had a fight in our relationship. Some may say we’re lucky, some probably think we’re lying, but truth is there’s just no need to fight with your partner. Not if you’re completely open with them, are able to communicate and accept what they have to say. Now, we do get annoyed with each other every once in a while but we have learned to just not let it bother us for too long. If anything, one of us usually ends up saying something funny or stupid that leads both of us to laughing so we’re never annoyed for too long.”
What is you number 1 relationship tip?
S: “This is a hard one because every relationship is different. I would say communication though, which is a theme in this question thread. Learning how to communicate with each other is absolutely necessary. Also, not being afraid to say something to your partner, like if it kills you inside every time they don’t wash a dish in the sink, you have to be comfortable enough to tell them it bothers you. That is an amazing building block for a relationship in my opinion.”
C: “The best tip I can give to other couples out there is to communicate. Without communication, a relationship is almost bound to fall apart. If you’re not willing to tell your partner how you feel about something or have an open mind to listen to what they have to tell you, you’re not going to make it. It seems simple but it is probably the most important part in my relationship.”
Any last words of wisdom?
S: “I would definitely look up and take a love language test. It helps in knowing how your partner processes love and how they respond to different types of love. I loved taking this and it has helped a lot. Also, don’t get discouraged if people doubt your relationship – if I would have listened to people who doubted us, we wouldn’t be together right now. Love and support your partner, and always bring them up, never put them down.”
C: “Lastly, don’t forget that a relationship involves two people, not just yourself. Being active in your relationship will not only make your partner happy, but will make you happy as well. Find time to spend with each other, away from distractions, and learn to be open with each other. Honesty goes a long way and when you get to the point where you are 100% comfortable being open and completely honest with your partner, it’s a great feeling.”