In modern romance, it’s becoming increasingly common to see quickly formed couples, internet “hard launches,” and rushed declarations of love. Sometimes, questions begin to surface — along with self-criticisms — when we see things like this online or around us. Questions like, Am I moving too slow? And, Am I just unlovable? It’s easy to get caught up in ruthless self-examination when it seems like everything around us is moving so fast and we’re just… stuck in place? However, if we look a little bit closer at relationships such as these — perhaps we have a friend who told us she started dating someone she met the week prior — we start to notice something. Fast love isn’t equivalent to real love.
One thing I’ve noticed that goes hand-in-hand with a fast-paced relationship is something we all know and cherish: instant gratification. Things like materialistic objects, feelings, and rewards give us much more satisfaction when we receive them right away. The same thing goes for love. When we meet someone and we’re able to automatically feel a sense of belonging and worthiness as a result of the pretty words they say to us, their words are acting as a positive stimulant for our egos and our self-esteem.
Yet, there’s something inauthentic about bombarding a person with such intense reassurance when you haven’t been given the time or the experience to really mean what you’re saying. Would you feel undeniably comfortable commenting on a stranger’s deeper values, personal insecurities, traumas, or personal beliefs?
It’s been my experience in both romantic and platonic love to consider time an asset and not an enemy. Time is widely taken for granted when it comes to the way we live our lives. As a result of our increasing expectations of instant gratification, we forget about time. We sulk in our regrets and we cast them aside. We forget that it takes time to heal. We forget it takes time to grow. Most importantly, we forget that it takes time to love.
Something about love and I is that I don’t like to think of it as a prompt and fleeting occurrence. When I see a couple playing house, I don’t like to think of it for anything other than it is: A play. I don’t like love when it’s play-pretend, and I don’t like acting on things that aren’t honest or speaking on things that aren’t real. I certainly don’t like quick conversations or sugar-coated obsession.
In no way am I anti-love. In no way am I telling you to slow the pace or not indulge yourself in a relationship that feels right to you. My point is to be authentic in how you love. If the way you love happens to be quick, short-sighted, and a shot in the dark, that’s a beautiful way of loving in itself. If love to you is a slow-burn that takes time, patience, and a handful of self-development, it’s still love.
In other words, don’t spend this Valentine’s season worrying about love happening too fast, just to feel unable to keep up. It’s okay to take your time. It’s okay to form a relationship one day at a time. It’s okay to not dive face-first in love.