I was at work recently and I did something I wasn’t supposed to do: I was driving and joined in on a meeting. Generally, this sounds like a very normal thing to do, but my supervisor had specifically advised against it for our own safety. I knew this and still joined because I didn’t want to miss it or get reprimanded. I thought to myself, she wont know, how could she?
My supervisor could obviously tell, so at the end of the day, she came up to me and told me it was unacceptable, it was a hazard, and that if I do so again she’ll just disconnect the call. While she was talking to me, I had the sense that she was waiting for me to interject, waiting for me to say “Hey, I’m so sorry,” but I was listening to her. I was receptive, and thanked her profusely for looking out for my safety. Which is absolutely true; I really do appreciate my supervisor in general, but also I appreciate that she doesn’t need me in a meeting so desperately that I have to compromise my safety since I’ve had different experiences in the past.Â
After finishing my conversation with her I sat and thought about how it felt like she expected me to explain myself. How she gave me pauses, time and looks that socially were queuing, Hey, this is the point where you say something to explain your behavior. At first, I thought maybe I was being rude by not providing an excuse, but after further consideration I realized I didn’t have to explain myself. I didn’t have to excuse my behavior. I didn’t have to provide an explanation as to why I was late or why I was driving and in the meeting because I just was. I thought there was truly no point and it wasn’t worth providing an excuse or explanation because it won’t take away the fact that I still did something I wasn’t supposed to do. It won’t take away the fact that I was still late and that I joined the meeting. Her and I both know that’s what happened and unless there was some emergency, there was just no excuse.
This got me thinking. Lately I feel like I’ve been truly appreciating what life has to offer, even if it’s negative. Not in a toxic positivity type of way, just in a I’m alive and what a privilege it is to be able to feel alive type of way. With that feeling, I’ve also shifted my focus to getting the best out of my relationships. Not only that, but to be near people that are enjoying life and growing within the community. People that aren’t creating petty or discouraging environments. I’ve never been one for drama anyway, but I’ve been really driving it home recently. I have other things to worry about, like rent, or my dog. I don’t have the time or the energy to look at someone sideways or give them the cold shoulder. I’d much rather have a conversation and move past it. (Mind you, this also has its limits; I won’t be having more than three conversations about the same thing, three strikes and I’m out.)Â
I’ve always been someone that truly loves and likes to foster community. This past year I’ve lost a couple interpersonal relationships that I felt were valuable at the time, and it’s really made me not only focus on meeting new people and strengthening relationships with casual friends, but also to let things and relationships go when the time comes, which typically means not explaining myself anymore.
My whole life I’ve been a people pleaser, a relationship mender, a mediator, a conflict resolution-er. I’ve always been the person that people look to to solve a certain problem not in a “we need you so bad” way, but kind of in a motherly way: “Alondra cares enough about everyone in order to try and mend this relationship.” I’ve always been like this, slow to anger with a truly forgiving nature. I used to be mad at it. I used to hate the fact that I was so perseverant, or the fact that I was so forgiving, but I’ve realized that people can truly change and they should be allowed the space and comfort to do so. Now, I’m not saying you should let someone disrespect you and walk all over you for their own growth, but I am saying that there is a certain level of grace I think most people should be given. But I’m not judging, the forgiving thing isn’t for everyone. Up until recently, I went above and beyond to fix all of my interpersonal relationships, even if that meant that I was going to be walked all over, dragged through the mud, made fun of, or ridiculed. Before, that made me feel little. I used to just take it, and think, You know this person needs support to grow and you’re giving them that. Obviously through life experiences, therapy, personal growth, and a change in perspective, I’ve realized that, yes, I can be someone that people can rely on for support, but that shouldn’t come at the cost of my well-being. With that realization comes being more comfortable with letting go when something just isn’t working for me anymore. I give people chances, I’m open and transparent, I have conversations, but I’m done repeating and explaining myself, my perspective, to others.
Not everything requires an explanation from me. Looking back, I’ve realized that most of my explanations are about why I’m hurt, especially in relationships. I’m explaining how someone’s behavior is inexcusable, or how to be a part of a relationship, or how to give more grace to people. Most of the time, to be honest, I’m explaining how they can be better people. Some people need that, but they shouldn’t need the same feedback fifty times over. You can only tell someone so many times not to put their hand on a hot iron.
One of my biggest frustrations in life is that I have so much grace for people, that I express a lot of love and support and that sometimes people don’t reciprocate that. Sure, it may be that someone’s past has shaped them and how they relate to others interpersonally, but there comes a point where a person is grown enough to self reflect.Â
Yes people can, at times, be unaware of their shortcomings, but I think that they are still responsible for their actions and their growth, and there comes a point where they can no longer blame their shortcomings on anything other than themselves.
For a very long time, I took people for their word when their actions demonstrated something completely different. But after one too many bad experiences, now if someone’s actions demonstrate to me that I’m not cared for, valued, or supported then I’m going to let that relationship go because I’m just tired of explaining their wrongdoings. Certain actions are strong enough to stand on their own, so strong that providing an explanation, or even an apology, isn’t going to make it any better.
I think you should give people grace, you should respect people, you should consider people. But to continue to do that at your own expense, is not a mutually respectful relationship. You don’t owe people over explanations. Like I mentioned before, some actions , good or bad, simply are. They are loud and strong enough to stand on their own with no background. With any relationship you should always have mutual respect and consideration. If you need to continuously repeat yourself or explain why you felt the way you did numerous times, or even show a person why they should consider you and not someone else… there comes a point where it’s no longer a misunderstanding, it simply just is.