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How To Handle An Unexpected Break Up

It comes out of nowhere…. You and your bae were great; all was well, laughs and fun, kisses and hugs. The moments at the beach, movies, dinners, you name it, it happened and it was going well. Love was in the air.  Suddenly, one day, you get a call, or God forbid a text, or if they have integrity made of steel, a face to face confrontation where they tell you that they are done. Nothing more to it, they are just done.  


Can we say devastation? Where did this come from? How can someone you trusted do this out of the blue?    These overwhelming feelings of confusion are normal. Unfortunately, what is also normal is that  people blind side their other halves all too often; it’s complete devastation and probably one of the worst feelings to have. 


First and foremost, what I can try to instill in your mind in these circumstances is, do not take the break up personally. Despite what they tell you based on the million or few reasons as to why they felt the need to break up if you didn’t do anything that was destructive to the relationship that would cause this, let it go. If you thought things were going well and you are genuinely shocked from the break, then you can also confirm it was really not about you. If they didn’t give you any clues or there were no prior conversations about breaking up then it’s really nothing to take personally; the feelings you are dealing with are coming from being shocked.  Realize something like this is not necessarily your fault,  it’s a result of them failing to communicate consistently with you and taking the short route out. Some people think it is better to bail and take the shorter route to get out of a relationship because its easier compared to working out issues in the relationship. If your relationship is new, the silver lining is that you are finding out now that this is how they handle things rather than months or years down the road. It could have just been a huge headache to deal with and even harder to deal with when it finally crumbled. 


Take time to heal from this. Be kind to yourself and try to be open-minded; don’t let your self-esteem derail. It’s normal if you feel low for a little bit but try to remember that this was not solely about you and that you will get through it. I always stand by the saying pain is temporary and it is; you will get through it just take care of yourself in the process. And it may take a while, everyone is different and it depends on the depth and length of the relationship. While you process your emotions, feelings and thoughts try to use your head more so than your heart. It’s going to take time for your heart and mind to meet in the middle while you are healing. 


Find support from your friends and family. You are going to be a mess of emotions at first so it’s going to help to talk it out.   I would advise you choose your friends wisely during this process. Find the people in your life who you know you can rely on and trust.  Cry it out to them, scream, whatever you have to do, get the feelings out; it is healthy and your true friends will understand and stand beside you.  Find hobbies to participate in and force yourself to go out to socialize. Also, exercise is great if you’re looking to get it out in a healthy way.  I know it may be hard to be motivated when you are hurting but it will help you heal without you even realizing it. 


Don’t try to contact your now ex. If they called you to tell you about the break-up, don’t call them back after that. Don’t show up at their house, don’t text them. Leave it alone. I know you have a million questions for them, but its best to leave it alone and accept it. It will do nothing to ask them a million questions and do not try to change their mind. If you beg and plead, you may very well push them away.    I know it’s incredibly hard especially at first to not want to cry, beg and plead with them as to why this happened. Remember, this is your heart trying to understand what happened and is scrambling for answers. The key here is to be rational as possible and to breathe. Step back and remember that you need to maintain your dignity in this and you will be ok without them.  If they told you it’s over, they told you it’s over for a reason and you need to respect that. You are also respecting yourself to walk away and not contact them. Don’t go through dragging it out and creating drama over something that was possibly long thought out before they told you. It’s over and you have to move on whether you want to accept it or not. 

Keep yourself busy; divert your thoughts from them when they pop into your head. But also if you have a wave of emotions come over you about it, own them and accept them. Sometimes we must deal with the emotional pain head on in order to move on.  This will all take time so be realistic about these expectations. But keep busy; do whatever it takes to divert your attention off the break up and onto constructive things. Laugh: watch funny movies, be with funny/happy people. Look at life differently and realize you will be ok. You were just fine before they came into your life and you will be just fine after the break up. You really will. People go through break ups every day.

A word of final advice is that while this is all emotionally traumatic, it’s part of life. We meet people constantly and they come in and out of our lives for a reason. The underlying life lesson is to look at this break up as a way in which to learn and grow as a person; it can help you become a stronger and wiser person in your next relationship. Take the time to prioritize your life and acknowledge what you want in a healthy relationship.  


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