This album is an old one, and I haven’t listened to it since last summer, so…why am I bringing it up now? Well, as I was thinking about what to write about next I looked at my notes app where I’d written down some pitch ideas and there it was: The Thrill Of It All: Best Break Up Album. For a moment I contemplated whether or not it was even worth it. That moment was very brief, because quickly I realized that this Sam Smith album had gotten me through breakups with a very specific person — my first love. Although I can recognize I may be biased because this album and I have such a deep connection, I will nonetheless be making a case for why it’s one of the best ones ever made, especially for your first love.
Let’s start from the beginning. The first song I had ever heard from this album was “HIM.” Shown to me by my highschool best friend, this song drove young Alo crazy. At this point I was maybe 16 or so, still trying to get over my first ever love, and the song felt like God was answering my prayers. My friend at the time related to the song as well, but in a much more authentic sense. Not that I was inauthentic, but in the song Smith talks about their struggle with their faith and sexual identity, issues my friend was also struggling with. I, on the other hand, was experiencing shame for still loving someone that I knew I shouldn’t have been, someone that didn’t value me the way I was. Smith’s rawness and vulnerability is not only in their voice but in their pleading lyrics, begging God to understand that no matter how much they try, they will still love HIM; that as much as they want to be absolved of the pain of loving this one person, they are willing to suffer the judgement of their sins, just so they can freely and unapologetically love.
I think generally when it comes to first loves it’s so hard to recover, and to feel like you can love again. Your first love is all-consuming, you feel like all of your thoughts are about them, that how could you ever go on if not with them? It’s one of the most intense feelings a human being can feel in such a tragically poetic way. Oftentimes people feel ashamed to admit to others that they can love that deeply and passionately, to admit that even if time has gone by, they still have a love or appreciation for this person. Oftentimes it feels easier to pray and wish that you didn’t. At the time I felt just like that; I knew that if I had the chance I would try to make it work — even if it resulted in multiple failed attempts — which it did. That first love feeling makes you reckless, impulsive…you’d give it all just to feel like that love is remotely reciprocated, how could it not be?
“HIM” got me hooked; I knew I had to listen to more of the album. I don’t think at that point in time I truly understood how I related to it, but I knew that this album had his name written all over it. Years and breakups later, I ended up having the “final” break up with this person (notice the air quotes). That summer, I dusted off The Thrill of It All and gave it another listen…or fifty. This go around, every single song hit the nail on the head. It felt like Sam Smith and God were both simultaneously trying to show me that they knew, they understood. All of a sudden I didn’t feel so alone, I didn’t feel so ashamed. All those nights listening to the songs blaring through my headphones, countless drives with the windows down, the volume on high and screaming these lyrics. As well as the times I sat in my car, attentively listening and crying, or the times I would sing with joy and new found comfort of feeling freed from the shackles of a love that was so breathtaking it was toxic.
“Too Good at Goodbyes”
Let’s rewind to the beginning of the album. Smith opens up this masterpiece with “Too Good at Goodbyes.” They talks about how they’ve created a mechanism to protect themselves from someone in their life that has left them repeatedly, as well as past similar experiences. Smith shares a painfully real and cynical thought of how they don’t stand a chance as a couple, that there’s no hope for a true long-lasting relationship. Smith relates how they avoid getting closer to the person they love because they cannot bear being vulnerable for the umpteenth time — through all of the times where they’ve been failed and disappointed they have become…way too good at goodbyes.
“Say It First”
On the second track, Smith tells us what’s really happening on the inside, that this lack of trust and closedness comes from a desire for their person to just say it first. They want the security of knowing they’re not in love alone. Smith is convinced with every fiber of their being that this is their forever person, that they daydream with them and think about them in every waking moment. In this song, Smith acknowledges that they have a negative past relationship, insinuating that the same situation is possible in this new relationship: “’Cause I’m never gonna heal my past / If I run every time it starts / So I need to know if I’m in this alone.” Not only do they call on their partner to admit their love, but to admit that they only have eyes for Smith, that all they have desired is them. In this song Smith also acknowledges that the admittance of reciprocated love could lead to more harm than good, but they know that regardless it will “take them higher.”
“One Last Song”
The third track is “One Last Song.” Let’s jump to post breakup: Picture you’re at a bar with your best friends, drinking, laughing and karaoking. You’re happy to be surrounded with so much love but you also can’t stop thinking about your ex. You decide to stop fighting it. You think about all the things you want to tell them — apologies, regret, raw emotion. Of course you won’t actually be reaching out, so you get on that stage, grab that mic and you tell them you have one more message for them — one last song.
“Midnight Train”
In this song, you’ve reached the stage where you want to think about yourself. We’ve spent the first three songs talking about how much you miss them and want them to come back to you. Now, you’re done wallowing in self-pity and shame and pleading for reunification. You are choosing yourself, taking the midnight train out of their life. This is the first song where we blatantly see a feeling of guilt. Up until this point, generally the partner has been causing all the pain, but in “Midnight Train” you start seeing, truly, an admittance from Smith to having done something wrong and causing harm.
“Burning”
This was, in fact, the song that Smith opened up their concert with in Orlando for the Thrill of It All Tour. In it, Smith talks about how the loneliness from being without their partner is burning them from the inside out. They’ve fallen into vices and can’t seem to pull themselves out of the rut. They keep regretting everything that happened and they wish to go back and change how things transpired. Smith says that if they could do it all over again, they would allow this person back into their lives, that they would give anything up even if that means their own self-respect. The guilt and loneliness has been burning them since their partner left.
“HIM”
Here is where we see Smith beg for understanding and forgiveness. The song starts with shame — admitting a secret — and it ends with empowerment and confidence in loving who they want to love no matter the consequences, even if that means the wrath of God.
“Baby, You Make Me Crazy”
This is the song that you listen to when you are over it! You’re in your bad b*tch era, feeling happy, free, and ready to get this person out of your head. You’re telling this person they genuinely make you crazy. Here we learn a little more about how Smith was broken up with. Smith talks about how their partner didn’t have the guts to face them, and although this is ultimately the fault of the partner, Smith then reframes it and blames it on themselves for always falling for the ones who have no courage. (Personal side note: Same thing happened to me…will forever be speechless about how someone can do that to someone they claimed to love.) Smith is dancing, drinking, gossiping — all of the things that help to get this person out of their head.
We’re only halfway through Smith’s journey on the special edition of this album. Stay tuned for the final part where Smith keeps walking us through the beautifully painful process that is surviving a breakup.