New rule: don’t mistake loneliness for independence.
If you’re chronically online like yours truly (me), then you have probably heard all about the Vogue article written by Chante Joseph “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” And woof. What. A. Story. Chante Joseph dives into how social norms around relationships and independence are taking a wild spin away from the classic, relationship-centered expectations placed on women.
Chante Joseph describes a cultural movement where women with boyfriends are working overtime to tone down or hide their relationships online, going so far as to blur their partners’ faces in social media posts to avoid judgement. The article frames this new “boyfriend shaming” behavior as a time to feel empowered by being single and celebrating autonomy.
And I get it. It is incredible to live in the first era where women can fully support themselves financially, socially, and emotionally outside of partnerships. To fully sever herself from generations of mistreatment and dependency is empowering. I feel immense gratitude for that independence every day. Why deal with a partner who won’t plan dates when we can simply take ourselves out and have just as much fun?
Still, this cultural shift raises a question: when do we acknowledge that this fierce independence is also incredibly shaming to those of us who don’t want to live that way?
Chante Joseph writes, “Obviously there’s no shame in falling in love.” Yet she later describes some partnered women as being “so boyfriend-obsessed that they come across as quite culturally loser-ish.” She even admits to immediately unfollowing women who post too much relationship content, an act that to me looks a lot like public shaming.
In an age where bold and unwavering independence is treated as the new norm, I’m starting to feel embarrassed for feeling lonely. We are constantly told, “You can do this.” And while the mantra is empowering, life can be extraordinarily hard. Independence is wonderful, but so is companionship. It’s perfectly normal to want partnership. I try to remember that I can do this, but I also have grace for myself in moments when I need someone beside me.
If you do not want to see my boyfriend, unfollow me. I can’t speak for every woman in a relationship, but when I post about my partner, it’s not in an effort to make others feel more lonely or ashamed of not having a partner. My relationship is an incredibly fulfilling aspect of my life and brings me endless amounts of joy.
And it’s taken work to get here. We show up for each other, offering daily endless support and encouragement to achieve our personal goals. And so while I feel exceedingly protective of my independence, I’m also protective of my relationship, which I have built with time and effort and I admire deeply.
The people who care about me and know me can see that, and when I post about my partner, that’s who I am posting for. And realistically? After almost five years and seeing him almost every day, he’s naturally a part of my life. I’d have to put in more effort NOT to include him in my social media than to simply include him.
With that being said, I’m feeling like maybe it’s time for a new rule: Don’t mistake loneliness for independence.
Having a partner is like having a teammate, someone to lean on when you’re feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, or just need some extra support. I won’t feel ashamed for needing that, just as much as I refuse to sacrifice who I am to keep it.
I often see women oversacrifice themselves for a relationship that is not giving them much back. But don’t mistake a woman’s pride in her relationship for her inability to be independent. And the absence of one doesn’t make anyone superior either.
It’s okay to crave independence. It’s okay to crave connection. It’s even okay to be lonely too. What’s not okay is shaming each other for where we fall on that spectrum. We need to uplift and support. Let’s call it like it is, admit what we need, and celebrate each other regardless.