I can’t say that I really understood the true meaning and power of denial until, naturally, I was old enough to have experienced things I wanted to deny experiencing. And honestly, not even then did I understand what denial was, or how it felt or looked. It only really sank in after some time had passed, and in retrospect, I could admit that I had been in denial — and then, that I’d been in denial about being in denial.
Denial is a cognitive process and defense mechanism, and is experienced by everyone from adolescents to older adults, as a very common phenomena of our human condition and experience. Human beings are programmed for survival and to avoid all situations of threat and pain. It makes sense why we would also avoid sitting with the feelings and discomfort of these situations, before, after, or during their occurrence. For small-scale issues, denial as a defense mechanism may not have visible impacts on our lives and happiness. The issue is brought to light when the thought process is learned and reinforced over time, and generalizes to much larger and serious situations. Many people contending with major life challenges — and for a multitude of potential reasons — are often unable or ill-equipped to cope with intense negative emotions in a healthy, constructive manner. When we do not address or notice our tendencies for denial, when major negative life events occur, we do not have the practice, skillset, self-awareness, emotional intelligence and maturity, or trust in ourselves that are necessary for processing those events healthily, or at all. Subsequently, we reinforce the false belief that there is no problem to be changed, while also sustaining considerable emotional and psychological wounds. Also unable to accept and contend with these wounds, they are left to fester as we tell ourselves to “just get over it,” “it was nothing,” or “I’m totally fine.”
Denial is also used as a coping mechanism in our relationships with others; in familial relations, romantic partnerships, and friendships, refusing to hear the potential needs and perspective of those around you is not only extremely invalidating and unkind, but harmful to the mental and physical health of those being invalidated.
Despite our best efforts, eventually it always catches up to us. Eventually, the defense mechanisms falter, and we are forced to confront the truths we were trying to escape. In my experience and from the experiences of many people around me, not knowing how to cope with emotions often serves as a risk factor and foundation for other mental health issues (i.e. depression, anxiety, substance use, eating disorders, self-harm, etc.), and over time, things like chronic illness and other physical health problems. In the end, we only worsen our pain and wellbeing exponentially when we refuse to tend to our wounds, or even recognize that they exist.
We cannot outrun grief, or pain, the discomfort of the unknown, or of knowing more than we’d like. Really, we cannot outrun ourselves. When we refuse to hear our pain, we refuse to hear ourselves and what we need. When we deny the truth of our friends and family, we are refusing to hear their voices and needs as well. Though much easier said than done, and the fear of facing our truths can be debilitating, it is a necessary step for processing trauma, life events, and changes in a healthy way. Therefore, we may have the confidence and trust in ourselves to handle life’s hardships with our eyes open.