Fall. Leaves are changing colors, the smell of pumpkin spice is in the air, we’re sweating through our sweaters because it’s still 90 degrees but we’ve run out of summer clothes to wear. Yes. Fall is a magical time.
But, with the return to campus normalcy and influx of new students, the new fall season has also brought many dangers to our dear campus. Dangers enabled by a lack of knowledge those new to campus possess. Well, no more, because I’m here to educate.
The most important rule of attending USC, the ONLY rule, is as follows:
Do NOT feed the squirrels.
These rabid creatures will stop at nothing to get food in their fat little bellies. They’ll beg at your feet, follow you around campus, they’ll even bite if you get too close.
I know they are cute, I know they look hungry, but I promise you they are not. For not only are you encouraging this begging behavior when you feed them, but you’re giving them a confidence, an ego, a god complex incomprehensible by any human being. Have you ever looked into a campus squirrel’s eyes? They can see straight into your soul.
To negate any confusion here is a simple guideline:
Scenario: A cute looking fluffy creature (a squirrel) approaches you on a Trousdale bench as you’re eating lunch.
Correct Response: DO NOT FEED.
Scenario: You have a leftover granola bar in your bag. You’re about to throw it away when you see some hungry looking animals prancing in the quad.
Correct Response: DO NOT FEED.
Scenario: A squirrel beats you up and threatens to take your lunch money.
Correct Response: DO NOT FEED.
Do not feed the squirrels. For the sake of yourself and those you love, help keep them at bay. Only God knows what would happen if they got any stronger.