There’s a lot of factors that go into finding a solid hookup spot. Whether it is a quick makeout sesh or a full-on DTF moment, there’s always going to be risks, pros and cons. So with the help of some friends and my own expertise, I have compiled a list of all the places you can do your thing with your boo thing. You decide whether it’s worth it to adventure out and get your freak on. No need to thank me.
- Bedroom
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Let’s start with the basics. Whether it is your bed, your man’s bed, your dorm room bed or literally any mattress you can find, a bed will always be a fan favorite and a classic. You can rely on a bed to fulfill all your sexual desires. Even though a bed seems like the most obvious place to do your business, sometimes you have to deal with some unfortunate circumstances such as squeaky bed frames, messy bedrooms and accidentally drawing attention to yourself and your partner by your roommates.
Convenience: 9/10
Riskiness: 1/10
Pros: Comfortable
Cons: Vanilla as fuck.
- Car
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Ah, the good old car hookup. I don’t know about you but hooking up in a car makes me feel 16 again. The good old days of parking your car in a dark lot, pushing the front seats all the up, and making the awkward transition from the front of the car to the back because you both know what’s about to go down but want to act natural. However, depending on the car you have, hooking up in one can either be a great experience or feel like a fucked up game of Twister. Honestly, using a car seems like a last resort when you have nowhere else to go but you do you… However, using a car comes with risks of being caught not just by other drivers but even the police if you are parked illegally.
Convenience: 4/10
Riskiness: 5/10 (Depending on if it’s light or dark out)
Pros: Looking like you’re in a movie from the 90’s where the windows get fogged up while parked up on top of mountain usually called something like “Hookup Drive.”
Cons: RIP to all the tall guys and girls.
- Movie Theater
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Please don’t have sex in a movie theater. Please don’t whip out your genitals in a movie theater. Please don’t make gross kissing noises during the movie. Honestly, movie theaters suck, like why pay $20 to make out with someone when you can do it for free at your house? Let me watch Endgame in peace thank you.
Convenience: 10/10 (for you) -1000/10 for everyone else
Riskiness: 8/10 (Everyone will hate you in the theater)
Pros: It’s dark I guess?
Cons: We all hate you.
- Outdoors
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Mother nature baby. I’m talking about anything outside, public or private. The woods. The football field. The park. The beach. The river? (Do people even go to rivers?) I don’t go outside much but if you want to step outside and get it on with someone, by all means, go for it. But you need to be aware that if you get caught, you can’t really just drive away like you would in a car. You need an escape plan because if someone sees you they might 1.) take a picture of you 2.) call the police for indecent exposure or 3.) do both.
Convenience: 1/10 unless it’s nice out every day.
Riskiness: 10/10
Pros: It’s kind of fun and hot because it’s so risky.
Cons: Bugs, Police, Nature, Dirt… You get the idea.
- Party
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This one is pretty obvious because I feel like one way or another you will either be a part of a party makeout sesh or you will witness one. No one really cares. Everyone is drunk. Just don’t accidentally hookup with someone’s boyfriend or anyone that could cause a whole lot of drama come the next morning. But please just leave it to making out. I feel like I shouldn’t even have to establish this but no one wants to see titties flying around and dicks swinging (I know I’m being dramatic but still some people go too far).
Convenience: 8/10 if you’re just looking for a drunk hookup.
Riskiness: 0/10
Pros: If it was bad, you probably will forget it.
Cons: At least one person will put your drunk sloppy makeout sesh on their Snapchat story.
- Bathroom
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The. Motherfucking. Bathroom. Whether you wanna plop up on the sink, go in the shower (we already know how I feel about shower sex via “Let’s Talk About (Period) Sex Baby”) or just stand up, the bathroom can either be great or horrible depending on each situation. If the bathroom is clean and private, it will most likely work out. But, if it’s either 1.) a COMMUNAL BATHROOM AKA ONE IN A DORM or 2.) a small bathroom covered in vomit and alcohol at a party or club, these are probably not the best ideas. Someone will either walk in and catch you in the act or even worse, completely barge in and see stuff that no one wants to see. It all depends on what you have access to. I highly doubt anyone is going up to a guy and seductively whispering something like, “Meet me in the third stall of the bathroom in five minutes.”
Convenience: 3/10
Riskiness: 7/10
Pros: Could potentially work out great.
Cons: Most likely won’t work out great.
- Library
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I’ve heard stories of people hooking up in the library either in a study room or between a stack of books, but it kind of comes down to the same situation as doing stuff outside. I mean I guess you can go for it if you want to but that’s such a force if I’m being honest. And please don’t do it during finals week.
Convenience: 2/10
Riskiness: 9/10
Pros: Dangerously Hot
Cons: Y’all better be quiet as fuck.
- Pool/Hot Tub
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Yes, I know we all wish we could make out with Noah Centineo in a hot tub too but that better be all you are doing. Having sex in a pool or hot tub hypothetically seems so dope but you should all know that water is not a fucking lubricant and I don’t know how many times I can say that ladies. Also, pools and hot tubs are not sanitary, even if they are your own and you “clean it with chlorine.” Speaking of your own, I don’t know who in their right mind would ever hook up in a community pool. I really hope no one has because you’re going to end up seeing your elementary school teacher, the neighbor’s kids you babysit and probably like your grandma or something.
Convenience: 1/10 if you are trying to accomplish anything more than a quick smooch.
Riskiness: 8/10
Pros: I guess it’s kind of cute to be close to someone in the water in a bathing suit.
Cons: WATER IS NOT A LUBRICANT!
- Closet
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Unless you’re 13 playing seven minutes in heaven, I don’t think anyone hooks up in closets anymore.
Convenience: 9/10 I guess it works but why.
Riskiness: 2/10 Unless you’re playing hide and seek?
Pros: Nostalgia
Cons: It’s a fucking closet what do you think?
- Parents Bed
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Let me just clarify that there is a HUGE difference between hooking up in your bed and your own parent’s bed. Besides the fact that it’s usually ginormous and will swallow you whole, hooking up in that bed is so fun but also so terrible at the same time. Number one, it’s very rare for that room to be vacant so you better have planned this ahead. Number two, you need to make sure that everything looks exactly the same as it did before you did your thing there. Number three, cross your damn fingers and pray to God that they don’t come home. Number four, if it’s your parent’s bed, try not to think about the fact that you were probably conceived there too. (Sorry for putting that image in your head but you know it’s true). And lastly, number five, don’t look around too much unless you want to see baby pictures of your siblings, the person your hooking up with or like their dead grandparents because that definitely does not set the mood.
Convenience: 10/10 for comfort 0/10 for availability.
Riskiness: 10/10
Pros: Yay adult sized beds!
Cons: Numbers 1-5