Not every college kid has the luxury of living in a beach house with an ocean view, but these perks come with pit falls. Struggles that only the URI Old and New Eastwardians face on a daily basis. Let me tell you, the struggle is real.
1. Having actual human neighbors
By “actual human” I mean functioning adults. Whether it’s a retired couple, or a family with their two small children, you still look at your neighbors–an unfamiliar species of successfully adulting citizens–like dogs walking on their hind legs every time you see them.
2. Avoiding relentless cops
With college kids comes college-kid-shennanigans. In our defense, I think the hidden patrol cars every other block are a tad excessive.
3. Parking on the the lawn
F*#k it. You gunna tow/ticket me if there’s no driveway for me to fit in? FINE I’LL MAKE MY OWN DRIVEWAY. Sure there will be tread marks, but who needs a grassy lawn or a security deposit back? NOT I.
4. “No pets”
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha
5. Commuting to class
Not to mention the traffic. The town of Narragansett schedules the most elaborate road work on all the main drags to campus during the most inconvenient times, because screw you that’s why.
6. Arguing Bonnett vs. Eastward
Awwww, those sad, sad souls think their neighborhood is better than ours? Three words: Greene Lane Riot. Look it up. History has spoken.
7. Discovering alcohol-induced lawn decorations
Tread marks through your grass from a friend’s car, a pile of vomit from a late-night drunk wanderer, ‘Gansett Lager cans scattered from the pregame: Sunday morning treasures.
8. Getting an orange sticker
I like to think of these bad boys as a Purple Heart: the mark of a fallen soldier. For those of you who have sacrificed for the sake of a good time: thank you for your service, we salute you.
9. Waiting half your life to turn left onto Burnside
A red light may not seem like a big deal, but it is so long and it is ALWAYS RED.
10. House hunting for next year at least 6 months in advance
Working with realtors who can’t wait to take your money and screw you over in the process of securing an accomodating home for you and your indecisive roomies.