Recently, a very close friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend after living together for several months. She was devastated and tired of all the drama that this guy did to her. This left her emotionally drained, since she had been walking over eggshells for months, arguing over trivial things that he pointed out. I was shocked. I never suspected this because she never showed signs that she was unhappy with him. And when I would talk to them, they only tended to have small fights over each other’s opinions, but nothing alarming to even give a thought for this sudden change.
Then, as I was talking with her, I noted that this guy had toxic behaviors and felt guilty for not being able to advise her or point them out for her safety earlier. It turns out, the way the relationship finished was very violent. This caused my friend to seek out psychological help to establish her wellbeing.
Now, have you heard any of these phrases?
“You are crazy, our relationship is alright, you are mistaking….”
“I don’t have to be nice with your parents. I don’t like them and they shouldn’t meddle in our things”
“Stay with me, you shouldn’t go out with your friends, you should be with me”
“Where have you been? I called you and I saw that you were with your friend without telling me!”
“Isn’t that dangerous, how about you move out with me?”
“You shouldn’t put those clothes on…you are mine”
Sounds familiar? Well, it shouldn’t be.
Sadly, I too have fallen for these kinds of expressions before. But none of us should fall for it anymore, and these words should not be used as weapons against us, from our partners.
First and foremost, the majority of women are more prone to these kinds of partner traps that later become a point of no return, best known as gender violence. In Puerto Rico, domestic violence incidents have been increasing. However, the statistics obtained by the the woman’s office of procurement and the police authorities do not make justice to what’s been happening lately. According to Mabel López, president of the “Colegio de Profesionales del Trabajo Social” (CPTS) or College of Social Work Professionals “women are threatened by being a woman.” Moreover, the Latinx community also agrees and clamors for an emergency state in their respective countries, raising their voices this week starting on March 8, The International Women’s Day.
Therefore, we as women need to stop normalizing potential and problematic behavior from our partners and friends which instigate control, abuse or violence. It’s important to emphasize that a healthy relationship is founded in respect and comprehension from both parts. Without these important qualities, the relationship is more vulnerable to land in bad terms or worse. Finally, here are 7 red flags or early signs based in manipulation behaviors, that you should avoid at all costs; even if you are beginning a relationship with a partner or a friend.
1. Exaggeration and Generalization
Do you sometimes think your partner or friend is generalizing or exaggerating an event where you were involved or not? Or generally speaking, he thinks that no one understands him or thinks no one will ever love him. Well, you are not mistaken. To identify generalization in a conversation look for words such as “always” or “never,” that way you will know when you are having a generalized conversation followed by complaints from your partner. A clear example is the belief your partner has about not communicating everyday via cellphone in the earliest stages of love, it is always a sign that he will be dumped the following week. He in this case, uses his previous experience with his exes to jump to the conclusion that your relationship with him shares the same fate. Same goes when he feels like you always cook bad meals due to that one time you overcooked his meal.
If you constantly have a “drama queen” as a partner. Especially, if he is constantly complaining or exaggerating over a joke that your friend made. Where he considered not funny and rude and snapped back at her. Giving you a sense that he might be overly sensible about trivial things that don’t need such intense attention to be in peace. Also, if you constantly find yourself explaining yourself repeated times to justify your actions over something he reacted to by exaggerating the situation. He is probably not considering how you feel about it, and wants to create a big deal out of it to give you a hard time and probably blame a situation, another person or even you later on.
2. Gossiping
From time to time, a good gossip isn’t bad, but if you or your partner does it constantly, something is definitely wrong. But the most important question is: What benefit do you get out of talking over others? What benefit do you bring to the other person hearing such “important” information? Therefore, living the life of others would not necessarily make you live better and should not uplift you in any way. If you do so, please check your ego or your partner’s. As you might not be freed or excluded from having the same negative outcome. When it comes to making decisions or preventing you from a certain bad event such as, someone cheating on you or losing your job. Therefore, practicing gossip constantly can make anybody near you feel bad or simply create a negative atmosphere, as this attitude is all that matters.
3. Bad manners
If your partner tends to be in his own bubble or is too self-absorbed, he’s probably not considering you or how his actions can negatively affect you either. Besides, who can take care of others, when the only person you can think of, is your own self, right? Well, in this case, bad manners would seem unharmful or just a minor feature, but in the long run it would make a great difference. Can you imagine, living years with someone that does not respect the space you live in, by not cleaning a dish, putting loud music or leaving the leftovers without considering that it was your food portion? Or worse, he does as he pleases and even interrupts your sleep or remote work. Thus, bad manners are the reflection of not considering others feelings and wellbeing. Therefore, making it hard to cohabit with each other. This can also include examples of him not being polite when receiving guests at your space where both live or just using the bathroom, knowing that you were taking a bath first.
4. Constant Judging
How about you feel the constant need to measure your words and expressions? Because you’re afraid that your partner might ridicule, downgrade or dismiss you. For example, when you acted silly innocently for fun on your date. And he spent all night pointing out your silly actions and how uncomfortable this made him feel, to the point of not wanting to know you anymore. This constant judging might be a sign that he only sees the bad aspects of your life and that he has zero tolerance for you being yourself. In the long run this behavior will drive you insane, as it will never suffice for him to love your true self. Ultimately, it will also affect your self esteem negatively and will create more insecurities to even feeling self conscious constantly.
5. Poor listening
In general, not giving your attention to your significant other might deteriorate your relationship by losing all the interest in the long run. However, in the short run this behavior in your partner might be the reason for the constant fighting and the endless times you spend repeating yourself and still feel lonely while talking to the walls. Moreover, he will bring unhappiness and tiredness to yourself. In this case, he will not be able to identify the needs you have and will never be able to fix the existing issues in your relationship.Lack of communication
6. Lack of communication
This kind of behavior can become a deal breaker or even your green light to leave the guy who is giving you the cold shoulder while giving you hell. However, assuming you keep pushing the relationship to effectively communicate with him, you will find yourself receiving silence treatments frequently from him. This, as a consequence of his fears, insecurities or simply his indifference towards your relationship can end up by ghosting you. This involves talking daily and suddenly all communication is cut with you, for no reason and infinite time. Leaving you confused and guilty of something you might have done or said wrong. Which in most cases, is likely to happen if he just wants to play with you and does not see your relationship being serious or just can’t be compromised with someone. In the end, if he doesn’t agree to communicate with you in an effective way, where you can talk about the feelings of both in a constructive way, he will become trouble. As he will be able to misinterpret and misunderstand future situations.
7. Jealousy
If your partner shows signs of jealousy, at first might feel as if he’s protecting you or you even consider this act as kinda sexy. Such examples would involve him being territorial when cute guys that he knows you might consider as your type, start conversations with you on social media or by phone calls and block them for you. Also, it can include acts of controlling your passwords by knowing them and check them frequently to know if you are being faithful. But the truth is, that this behaviour only means he’s insecure that someone might steal you away from his fun or worse, his possession (acting possessive or controlling). However, jealousy could be the way he uses to communicate that he feels hurt or inferior about you showing your authenticity. In the long run, this behavior only will make you feel anxious, restricted and hopeless towards your freedom in the relationship. This attitude can lead you to be isolated by your partner from your friends and family so he can make you depend more on him, leaving you intoxicated by his actions.
In the end, what you seek in a partner is someone capable of bringing out the best version of yourself while giving you proper attention and comfort. This doesn’t mean that he is a bad person, he could be nice with everyone else other than you. But if you and him don’t click, it would not necessarily work out. The important part in a relationship is that both are willing to figure and improve things out, even if it means to seek professional help. if you ever have the need to get orientation or denounce toxic behaviors from a partner, first contact a psychologist or take couple therapy.
Finally, If you need serious help, don’t stay alone, talk with other women that can support you and also contact the Women’s Office of Procurement of Puerto Rico to their confidential hotline calling at (787) 722-2977 or to the “Centro Integral de Apoyo a Víctimas” (CIAV) at 787-999-9545. If you are not living in Puerto Rico, but need help too, you can call the national domestic violence hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233). Hope this helps you and remember that we need our women alive not hurt or dead; “Vivas nos queremos.”