Tips on Staying Warm a lo Boricua

Usually, when I visit NYC my greatest concern is not getting trashed to the point where I stumble into Chanel the morning after un buen jangueo and withdraw my life’s savings to purchase a limited edition, electric blue tote - perhaps one similar to that which my mother confiscated from me a year ago. Ay! The woman knows how to punish her daughter. But this time around, my concern was one far colder than my mother’s shoulder after she found out I threw a scandalous house party in her absence. My concern was finding inventive ways to battle the record-breaking cold, while still having a good time. Guess what? It was pretty much impossible.

Regardless, here are some boricua tips on how to stay cozy.

1. Stay tf  inside.

2. If you venture outside, get tf back inside.

3. If you ignore my forewarnings, you best be layering. I mean wool stockings under those jeans, your fuzziest pair of socks, some insulated boots (insulated everything tbh), and a cashmere sweater beneath ALL THE COATS YOU CAN  FIND. And your grandmother’s mink furs. Fight me PETA, it was already dead.

4. Think you’re ready, yet? Sike, you’re not. Now that you’re bundled up, you need a hot beverage. Preferably some mulled wine, maybe a whiskey Fireball cider or coquito chai. Does it have to be alcoholic? Yes. The alcohol will keep you warm (or at least help you forget how cold you are). Otherwise, get tf back inside.

5. So now that you’re outside, what do you do? You shiver uncontrollably, spilling your beverage which quickly freezes as it embeds itself in the fibers of your wooly coat. At this point, you give up! Until NYE, there is no longer any rational excuse to move more than a foot away from the fireplace.

6. New Years swings around. You avoid taking the train (because COLD), and deal with Uber’s NYE special price spike! Over $300 to the city and back, but it is worth it (because cold).

7. You feel ready though, ‘cause you wore a smart outfit. A sweater dress and a long coat will save you, right? WRONG! The icy wind takes no hostages and the skin on your exposed legs cracks as you wait in line to get into a warehouse party somewhere deep in Brooklyn, even though they assured you there would be absolutely no waiting in line - thanks for that, Avant Gardner.

8. Inside, everyone huddles together like penguins on the way to the coat check. Rubbing up on strangers, definitely a great way to keep warm. Not creepy at all. Welcome to the Animal Kingdom.

9. Next, head to the mainstage (literally follow the trail of heat). Dixon is playing. Ignore strange men’s advances and invites to their VIP tables - there is no warmth outside of this massive crowd of penguin-people, no table worth risking frostbite for.

10. Finally, you dance. You are center-stage between 20 foot speakers hanging mid-air and 5 foot speakers that shelter you from all harm (aka cold). The sound waves reverberate through your body and, yes, they keep you warm. Alas, you’ve achieved the ultimate goal: finding warmth and ecstasy on the coldest damn New Years Eve NYC has experienced in the past 70 years.