For a long time, I haven’t been able to distinguish who my true friends are, much less give someone the title of “best friend”. It is difficult to designate someone as such when you have been stabbed in the back countless times. I know this may sound childish, but if you have lost “friends” that were important to you at some point in your life, you will understand the way I felt once.
So many changes to go through at once, without counting climate disasters, pandemics, and strikes, along with other situations beyond our control—it is horrifying. The hatred I feel when something that I have no control over is going to happen makes me exhausted, including hating that part of me that can’t be free from the handcuffs of change.
The moment you think everything is going to be okay, that’s when the streak of bad luck happens. Those times are what I like to call “dark times”. Even though I avoid talking about the “dark times”, for some f*cking reason it always comes up. And just like that, fear invades your entire body and doesn’t allow you to see further away than the problems and sadness of the present time. Slowly, it consumes the little light that you were able to see at the moment. I can’t recognize the woman who used to suffer for people when the only thing they wanted was an escape, even if that would mean leaving me out of their lives. These years have been crazy as hell, change after change.
Do you like change? You may never know until you find yourself in the middle of a tornado that just spins around changes that seem to last forever. An unstable place where you feel absolutely no control over anything. That could be because the focus is on the big picture instead, while the details become a blur. Some of those are the little things that you were seeking to achieve despite the loss, such as goals, new experiences, friendships that will actually last, new loves, dreams come true—stuff that makes you genuinely happy.
One day, I just got tired of being a people’s second choice. Since it seems that those who came into my life liked playing to lose me. Not everyone is meant to stay. Some should leave for you to flourish because they were simply people who somehow held you back. I have nothing less to say to them than thank you! Because now, I’m getting closer to what will be my best self. People come and go, but I guess that is what life is supposed to be. The constant need to try, again and again, to trust that things will find their flow and everything will be better than it was when you thought it wouldn’t. Despite losing your so-called “friends” and the inevitable changes you will face, just remember that the most important piece of this puzzle called life is to not lose yourself on the run.