Gender inequality continues to plague our society to this day. We hear discussions about it all the time. Some topics that you may hear often are men’s versus women’s salaries, women in politics or in positions of power, and general gender disparity. But there is one topic in particular that manifests in our everyday life as women: the pressure of reputation controlling our sexual autonomy.
Sexual autonomy is the right of an individual to make decisions over their body, sexuality, and sexual experiences. It also includes the freedom to live that life without being discriminated against, violated, or coerced. As an observant woman, I couldn’t help but notice that when it comes to our sexual lives, there’s a huge difference between men and women. And just like that, the words “sexual autonomy” popped into my mind.
We need to address this.
I bet at some point you’ve had a conversation with a guy where he asks, “What’s your body count?” or “How many boyfriends have you had?”. These questions come out of nowhere, and you probably didn’t plan on asking him the same thing because, honestly, you didn’t want to know. Yet there you are, with him asking these uncomfortable, personal questions, and you feeling pressured to answer. There’s a brief moment when you decide whether or not you want to share that information. As women, our minds might go: “If I say I’ve never done anything like that, he’ll lose interest, but if I say that I’ve had more than one partner in my life, he’ll still lose interest. What should I say?”
Before I continue, I want to make one thing clear: no matter how normalized personal questions like these may seem, don’t ever believe it’s okay to ask them — and don’t feel pressured to answer either. Information like that should only be known if the person wants to reveal it.
What do women believe is causing this disparity?
Society doesn’t want us to have sexual autonomy, and we are often discriminated against because of it. Unlike men, women can’t talk about having an active sexual life. We can’t even express ourselves if we find more than one person attractive. It’s fine if you think one person is attractive. If you think two people are cute, that’s okay… but if you find more than two people attractive, then you really need to get your act together! So, what exactly are we supposed to do? Limit our sexual autonomy by hiding our feelings or pretending we don’t find others attractive?
I was once with a group of guys, and they were talking about girls and how they would “do it” with them. One of them asked another, “Bro, don’t you have a girlfriend? What would you think if you heard her talking about a man the way you’re talking right now?” He replied: “She’s a woman. I’m a man.”
This conversation stuck with me, so in addition to researching online, I asked a few women what they believe is the cause of this inequality. Some of the answers they gave me were:
- Rights were given to men before to women: Human rights were inspired by a document from the French Revolution called the Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen (Déclaration des Droits de l’Homme et du Citoyen). Due to the exclusivity granted to men in this document, the first steps of feminism were later initiated by Olympe de Gouges. The delay in women’s rights became so ingrained in society that a patriarchal system was established, which continues to degrade women.
- Social expectations based on gender roles: Gender is a social construct. Societies created genders and they established expectations for them; these are called gender roles. These include the traditional norms that dictate how genders should behave. For example, have you ever heard a grown-up asking a 5-year-old boy, “How are your girlfriends? How many do you have?”. It’s a stark contrast to what would be said to a girl of the same age — and it doesn’t stop there. As we grow up, we often hear questions about when we’re going to get married or “If you don’t know how to cook, how are you supposed to get a good husband?”
- The importance given to men: Traditional thinking places men as the only ones who should work while women are expected to stay home. In our capitalist system, more respect is given to the individual who produces money, which historically has mostly been men. This is one of the reasons why women are often not prioritized.
- Religion: For most religions, women are expected to “maintain their virtue and purity.” This typically means that women should remain virgins until marriage and stay faithful to this ideology throughout their lives. Therefore, in addition to restricting their sexuality, it also adds social pressure to teach other women to be the “true example of purity.” Virginity is important in this context as it is directly associated with perfection. In the Catholic religion, we can see that priests are required to remain celibate, but this is not mandatory for men outside of the clergy. While women are heavily judged, men are expected to not have extramarital or premarital sex — but if they do, society doesn’t judge them as harshly as women. Society, however, does not speak or emphasize the term purity for men.
- The porn industry: The objectification, commercialization, and stereotypes imposed on women are perpetuated by the pornography industry. Outside of that, society finds it repulsive for a woman to have a sexual life. In this way, women have been restricted when it comes to expressing their sexuality freely.
Is this an “only men” behavior?
Sadly, the misogynistic tendency to judge a woman about her sexual autonomy is a behavior that surpasses genders. Women can be judged by anyone, regardless of their sexual history. It never matters if you’ve had more than one sexual partner or if you’re a virgin; society always has something to say.
What can we do?
Whoever thinks that social change is impossible is wrong. The rights that we have today as females were brought by a group of brave women who refused to stop fighting when society told them to. Change takes time, but it also takes people willing to make that change. We can be part of those who stand up and say “enough!”
We deserve to have a sexual life that is not reprimanded, questioned, or conditioned. So, when you feel that you are being judged, reaffirm your autonomy. At the end of the day, we are all human beings deserving of the same respect and freedom as men. Let’s fight to end the disparity in sexual autonomy between men and women.