Sometimes, you can find yourself in relationships that don’t give you joy or peace of mind. You might be feeling lost for years or months with a partner, that only drains you and makes you feel guilty to the point of asking yourself if you are the problem. Either way, you’re here to find some answers. The first mistake that some people make is to think that we can change our partners; closely followed by ignoring the first mild red flags shown by these toxic partners. That’s why, if your relationship is still premature or you want to make sure those red flags were not missed by you, you can check the following article, which addresses the first part of this initiative that is centered in helping to avoid domestic violence.
Supposing you have been in a relationship that has had you trapped, and still can’t find what’s going on with your partner, the following strong red flags will help you see that your partner needs help and you need to abandon the toxic relationship as soon as you possibly can:
1. Passive – Aggression
Passive – Aggression is a consequence of not feeling right and frustrated, angry or bothered about something that you don’t wish to open up about. In the case of your partner, as time passes by, you will note his sarcasm or arguments over something you told him to do. He will delay your asked favors and intentionally will make mistakes. To a point, where he will constantly criticize everything. All these, while ensuring you that “Everything is fine!” or “What do you mean? Nothing is wrong with me”. Therefore, this attitude will leave you in a hard position, where both of you will fight for no fundamental reasons. Some examples that can be considered are: when you say to your partner that you will be making a diet, and then he says he will support you. While on the next day he brings a lot of sweets and puts them right in front of you. This, to taunt you for his own amusement or because he secretly wants to end his relationship with you by making you fat. This behavior, if it’s applied constantly to you by your partner, can leave you feeling emotionally drained. Thus, I would dare say you have hitted a toxic point where the attacks will be more frequent leaving you feeling inferior, guilty and confused.
2. Apathy
Being empathic is important to help understand your partner and comprehend his struggles, but when that is not reciprocated, it is a very bad sign. It could start as a minor thing, such as he doesn’t relate to a certain painful event where you were hurt, betrayed or maybe harassed. But the fact that he doesn’t even try to be sensible or imagine being in your shoes, can mean that he is not all in for you. He doesn’t care enough. The quality of being sensible is essential. When you are in need to safely purge your feelings with your partner to recieve need emotional support or comfort, you expect from him as a partner to say the least. If he fails to do so, this can turn out to be unsafe. This can get so bad, as to say, you are presently sick and he only cares about himself not getting COVID19. Instead, give you proper care or at least take you to a doctor as you are in need and you are also a priority. Thus, he really is showing you clear signs he can’t take care of you or even your pets, without thinking of himself first.
3. Guilt Tripping
Uff! Now, we are heading towards the most toxic behaviors. Guilt tripping is a classic used by manipulators that want to use you for what they please. Can you imagine your partner telling you all the time, that you take too long preparing yourself for dates and they are always ruined because of you? Even knowing that you have told him before that you always take 30 mins to put on makeup and look nice. He could have considered that time on your date nights to be on time. This behavior is a clear sign that he doesn’t care about the relationship anymore and is ready to blame it on you or anything else. Also, it can show signs that your partner is not mature enough and needs to learn how to take responsibility for his own actions and attitudes. As it is not always your fault and the relationship is based on both of your performances.
4. Gaslighting
Has your partner called you crazy for you thinking that he might be abusing your trust? This can be reached as he constantly lies or denies such actions on his part, leaving you mad. However, it might take you a while to gather up information that will leave you puzzled by his intentions on using this tactic with you. Some types of gaslighting and its examples are: (1) Countering such as “you never remember things accurately, I think you have a memory problem”; (2) Withholding: “I do not know what you are talking about. You are just trying to confuse me…” (3) Trivializing: “C’mon, baby your bleeding is just normal every month, I think you’re exaggerating too much on going to a doctor” (4) Denial: “I never said that, you heard wrong…why would I say that, I love you, right?” (5) Diverting: “You really want to go on that road trip? That is just another crazy idea you got from your friends.” (6) Stereotyping: “I don’t know but I think your friend is a psycho for seeking help. Because his boyfriend abused him, I never have seen him doing something wrong to her, I always knew that wild girls like her were crazy.” In the long run, this attitude of his will only make you feel like you are really crazy, making you doubt yourself and question your sanity.
5. Cruel Humor
Has he been showing cynicism and sarcasm towards actions that you have taken? Does he point your weaknesses out in discussions or fights all the time? Then, probably he is not appreciative of you and just wants to mess around with your insecurities. While he gets amused or feels superior about your misfortunes. A clear sign of this behavior can be when he makes misogynistic jokes such as when he sees you suffering from period cramps and he tells you that “it’s your fault for being a woman”. In a constant manner, this can be a sign that he is not willing to be held accountable for any words meant to bully you and will continue disrespecting you. Cruel humor also can be considered as childish behavior for not being able to understand your feelings but himself.
6. Holier Than Thou (Self-righteousness)
This term is basically used when your partner likes to talk over you in a discussion and always have the last word. Arguments such as “I’m right and you’re wrong” can also be considered. As he feels superior in the relationship by justifying it as he is a man, the most intelligent from both or simply because he feels entitled to do so. In the worst case he will be “right all the time”, because you are simply crazy and he is not or he knows what’s best for you. A clear example is when you are telling him you want to go out and dance in a club with your single friends and your partner tells you “You are crazy? Those friends of yours are sluts, if you do it, you will make me look bad, and I won’t let you!”. Thus, this attitude will also include acts of superiority, sermons and belittling you to prove his point, or zero tolerance by being angry with you.
7. Temper Tantrums
Finally, temper tantrums are a big red flag and this behavior should not be underestimated. It is fine from time to time, when we get irritated. We all do in our bad days, but constantly is another story. If you don’t want to be all the time, avoiding walking on eggshells, then it is important to address this problem with your partner and seek professional help, as it might be out of your control. Also, temper issues can be associated with the fact that your partner doesn’t know how to handle or manage his emotions well. These constant tantrums are a way to express how frustrated he feels about someone or something all the time. Therefore, this behavior could be addressed as long as his willingness to talk it through if not, is out of your reach for you to help or alleviate. If this gets more toxic it can start by hitting himself, throwing objects in your home or even worse, hurting you. So do not tolerate this attitude any further and report it as quickly as possible to a professional therapist or to the authorities in the worst case scenario.
Now that you know the main behaviors that a toxic partner can have, don’t ignore your gut feelings. Always act upon nourishing yourself, uplifting your self-esteem and value. Be very protective and intolerant to these types of attitudes as you may not always be able to fix people. Identifying these attitudes will help you avoid bad partners and future headaches. Or even in a worse case scenario, a possible domestic violence case that could turn out hurtful.
Finally, if you ever have the need to get orientation or denounce toxic behaviors from a partner, first contact a psychologist or take couple therapy. If you need serious help, don’t stay alone, talk with other women that can support you and also contact the Women’s Office of Procurement of Puerto Rico to their confidential hotline calling at (787) 722-2977 or to the “Centro Integral de Apoyo a Víctimas” (CIAV) at 787-999-9545. If you are not living in Puerto Rico, but need help too, you can call the national domestic violence hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233). Hope this helps you and remember that we need our women alive not hurt or dead; “Vivas nos queremos.”