Real Talk: How to Cut It Off Without the Drama

I’m sitting in Chemistry class, contemplating my love life (I forgot my clicker, sue me) and I’ve realized something: just cause it’s good D doesn’t mean it’s the right D. There comes a crucial moment in life where that big D - decision, ¡mal pensadas! - can either make you or break you, but the choice still lies in your hands. How you handle a breakup and go about the aftermath is essential to your mental health and the emotional wellbeing of your SO. Here are some tips on how to do things right.

1. Confront them in person

Us Millennials are so evasive of real talk. Our feelings have become digitized into coffin emojis for the void that is our hearts. I know that sounds dramatic AF, but seriously! I’ve been ghosted, broken up with via text, email, phone call… I’ve also been the dumper, a heartbreaker via handwritten, perfumed letters, so trust me: I get it. Confrontation is scary. However, for the first time in my life I put on my big girl pants (bikini, actually) and broke up with a guy in person. And guess what? It was epic.

2. Location, location, location

I learned a few things from this one. Setting is essential. (Note to self: don’t break up with someone during a yacht party.) Luckily, he was too shook to publicly drown me off Palomino Island’s north drop, and gave me the chance to talk it out privately once we got to the mainland. Emphasis on privately. Relationships are an intimate matter, breakups even more so. If you want to be remembered kindly, choose a neutral ambience where the both of you feel comfortable: a quiet café, an old school restaurant, a park bench… anywhere but a yacht, tbh. Don’t ruin a good time with petty theatrics.

3. Let them down easy--and respect their right to privacy

This is tricky: remember when Warner planned a ritzy break-up dinner and Elle thought he was going to propose? Ouch.

Which brings me to my next point: If it’s premeditated, try to have a memorable last date before laying into the heavy stuff. Try to rekindle some of the love you felt for that person so you can let them down gently. If your relationship already emotionally expired, the conversation will be triggered naturally on the course of the date. However, don’t take that trigger as initiative to dig into what’s wrong with the relationship, or worse, what’s wrong with them. Focus on yourself. A healthy breakup is about acknowledging your needs while internally accepting that your SO can’t provide for you. It’s doesn’t have to be a blame game.

4. Don't make it personal

You can be in love, but not be in sync. If you wanna throw blame around, blame the circumstances. Life often pulls us in so many directions, making the future unpredictable, especially for us collegiettes battling the systemic patriarchy. As much as I love dazzling my grandmother with my romantic escapades (she can’t wait to see a diamond on my finger), I’m exponentially more determined to convince my grandfather I’m on my way to becoming a professional. Love, as fulfilling as it can be, is equitably a distraction from other essential college experiences: self-exploration, building long-lasting friendships, academic success, embracing independence… throw a meaningful romantic relationship into that mix, and you got a lot on your plate, mujercita.

5. Try to look on the bright side

At the end of it all, if you plan your breakup compassionately, you might even get the cherry on top: breakup sex. Necessary? No. Earth-shattering? YAS. It’s like the physical manifestation of emotional closure. It’s like sharing a rare vintage bottle of Bordeaux - you only get to try it once, and it’s been sitting in the cellar since you started dating. Pop that bottle open, pour each other a glass or three, and break up like there’s no tomorrow. Cheers!