Written by Carlos Micames.
Do you remember when we first met? We were sitting on opposite ends of the table, drinking coffee as if there was no one else around. I told you an embarrassing joke and yet you still laughed, the sound resonating through the air as your rosy cheeks and glittering eyes slowly captivated my imagination. With effortless motion, you stroked your hair and I watched as it glided like a crowd of figure skaters on ice. Every word you spoke was sacred, as if taken from the Bible, yet I couldn’t help but feel afraid. I was getting trapped and didn’t know if I would ever be able to escape this majestic illusion, this euphoria with you in the design. Those first moments, those first drops of that addictive dew hooked me from the beginning and defined the future. You were my drug and I was close to overdosing.
One second we’re sitting together, watching the sunset hoping it never rises, hoping the night never ends as we enveloped ourselves in this paradise we have created, where we are the only inhabitants. We look outwards into the horizon and wonder where it leads. That golden gate leading to the sacred red land where we can live in peace and the gates of the sea protected the kingdom was the dream as much as the expectation. The next second, the illusion changes as the mirror shatters and the sun never seems to shine as bright as before.
How to forget someone who gave you so much to remember? Now I look at the sea and wonder whether it was an escape, or merely gates to trap its inhabitants.
In this letter I only want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for loving you far greater than I should have. For convincing myself that this euphoria could last forever. I’m sorry that I created a fantasy that reality could never commit to. And most of all, I’m sorry I had to take you down the same road of shame that devoured me. Your majestic eyes were my escape when I was down. Your lips were a portal that transported me to another dimension where everything was fine. Your skin was comfort when nothing else worked. Your words were sacred text that made Shakespeare and Dickens come to life every time you spoke. Yet I took it all for granted. I wish I could go back in time and make all those mistakes again with you. You were the best mistake I ever made.
I want you to know that I wish you only happiness. I want you to know that I carry you in my thoughts. I want you to know that those gates will always be open for you. I want you to know I long to be able to speak the way we did before. To be able to look at one another the way we did before. The way things could have gone. Mistakes come and go but making those mistakes with you by my side makes it bearable. You will always be my favorite “what if.”