Breakup season comes in two crucial waves: one before the winter holidays, and another about one to two weeks before Valentine’s Day. It’s a cruel reality, but we’re better off embracing it. No one wants to be single on Valentine’s Day (unless you’re like me and have a hidden agenda of raunchy events). A breakup doesn’t have to lead to a breakdown though (again, unless you’re me). For all the heartbreakers out there, here are a few tips on how to (im)properly dump your boy right before V-Day.
1. Put off seeing him as long as possible.
If he lives in a different town or country, book a flight with his credit card and miss it. #cashmeoutside
2. When he insists on seeing you, convince him Uber is the only way.
Did you know it’s only $100 from Mayagüez to San Juan? Again, charge it to his card. #howbowdah
3. Tell him you’re really busy on Valentine’s Day (academic priorities are unarguable)
Make plans with him for the weekend so you get all your gifts beforehand. It’s like a win-win, just not for him.
4. Tell him you love him, but you’re not ready to settle because you’re just a wild-hearted free spirit that can’t be tamed.
*cue Puerto Rican tears* This go-to for f*ckbys and girls alike is a perfect cop-out for a reason, however terrible it might be.
Hey, honesty is the best policy.
5. Have him find out the hard way
Drunkenly confess in a recorded interview with a semi-famous comedian that your boy has a small penis so it’s just not working out anymore. When he sees it (because he will) deny it was you, despite it CLEARLY being you…
Jean-Ralphio, the world; Ben Wyatt, you.
6. Give him the best sex ever.
And I mean EVER. Get out the vibrators and roleplay lingerie, make his fantasies come true. Then before he starts with the “I love you’s,” thank him for the break up sex and leave. #LaMujerEsMaldad