I was rewatching The Falcon and the Winter Soldier to reward myself for enduring the insane amount of stress this semester has filled me with. At first, I just wanted to detach from reality, and get some ideas to make edits for my TikTok account (and I did), but then came a phrase that still haunts me:
“You’re free. — To do what?”
Not the most profound or meaningful quote, of course, but it stuck with me. I finish my bachelor’s degree (on paper) in three weeks, and I know what path to take next in my professional journey. A doctorate in Psychology at my dream university, and then get a job that I studied so hard for. Sounds exciting, but in my personal life, it’s another story. I’m literally, totally and scarily lost in life. For a while, I’ll be free from academic pressure and overachieving… but then what? What’s next aside from academic and professional achievement?
When you only do one thing, you condition yourself to believe that’s the only way of living. For me, it is my relevance, what I can offer to others. At college, it is easier to believe that’s the only way of living: trying to be useful in case a peer needs help, keeping up with a proper CV, sharpening my skills. In the process, I found myself on a hamster wheel, always competing with myself and my peers to stand out. Now, I’m competing for a spot in graduate school, for a future I don’t know if I’m really capable of deserving. After all, graduate school demands compromise, work, and drive.
The closer I get to the end of the semester, the longer I feel trapped and out of time. Too early and too late—never on time for the big things that matter. People who will graduate with me already have incredible accomplishments, and talents that make them one of a kind. I know a thing or two aside from academics, but it’s never enough; not good enough for my criteria because there’s always better out there. Am I too lazy? Do I procrastinate too much? What am I missing? Will I feel like this forever?
The short answer is no. That’s the 20s crisis, and the impostor syndrome talking, especially when algorithms flood your social media with performances of perfect lives. But there’s no need to perform, not to ourselves. At least I want to believe that. In other words, the uncertainty and insecurity around core pillars in our lives (mostly the future), and the feeling of undeserving our achievements and how they are held is a double-edged sword. It can be a cage or an opportunity, depending on how we act upon it. Sometimes it is both at certain parts of our lives. Hence, in this part of life when we have a lot of doubts and not enough time, the only way to get through it is to embrace change and failure equally. When the world demands stability and perfection, evolving and failing is punk rock. Because we’re going to change, and oh, how many mistakes we’ll make, but we’ll also succeed.
So, as I prepare to open myself to another beginning in graduate studies, I’ll remember that I still have time. I don’t need to define myself with just one definition when my spirit is so much more. I don’t need all the answers, and I probably never will. Maybe, and just maybe, that’s what makes my story so exciting to create. Don’t let anyone tell your story, for it’s your own.
“You young people are at the exact age of despair. I never felt more washed up and old than in my twenties. I used to say, ‘my life is over and I haven’t done anything.’ But I’m here to tell you that’s not true: you have a ton of time.”
Guillermo del Toro