Anonymous, yet brave, a true patrona of women’s rights has stepped up to the plate to share her personal account of domestic violence. In a victim-shaming society, it’s difficult to glance at 9 years of life spent beside a person and come to the conclusion that what began as a budding love turned into a cycle of abuse. For many, domestic violence tends to be brushed off the shoulder, or even embraced as the standard norm for a healthy relationship. So when stories surface, fingers are pointed at the victim: “What’s wrong with you? Why didn’t you just leave?”
Well, it’s never quite so simple. In a candy-coated version of Stockholm syndrome, the sweetness overrides the pain… until it doesn’t. Then finally the cathartic truth seeps out from beneath layer upon layer of psychological, economical, physical and sexual abuse. This particular account stems from the heart of a middle-aged, single mother of five. We’ll call her M.
M was born into wealth, back when agriculture was king and the Puerto Rican landowners were raking in the cold, hard cash. Illusioned by a machista society, she barely finished her bachelors and aspired to a comfortable marriage. What she found instead was a hurricane of emotion; she was either stuck in the momentary peace of the storm’s center, or swept up by the force of brutal winds. Never was she safe.
V: What types of abuse did you experience within the relationship?M: Mostly economical and emotional… Verbal. He’d come home from work, irritated, and lay out a long list of insults. Demonia, cabrona, hija de la gran puta! Shortly after, he’d sweetly ask if we needed to restock the fridge. There were a handful of times when he’d have too much to drink and physically attack me, too. I never cried though. I never let that man see me break.
V: What do you feel kept you hanging onto the relationship?M: We had dreams of retiring together. I always assumed our relationship was stressful because he worked a lot, but once we were able to retire, things would get better… This fantasy, plus the children, plus the amazing chemistry in the bedroom, plus his never ending string of promises and apologies kept me right where I was. I couldn’t imagine leaving him!
V: Did you recognize it was domestic violence when you were together?M: I did not realize I was in a domestically violent relationship until I restarted my studies, and attended an obligatory charla on the subject, given by a subdivision of the police department. They explicitly revealed patterns and traits that perfectly described my own relationship. It was a moment of enlightenment for me.
V: What convinced you to leave the relationship?M: After being exposed to the reality of what I was facing, I reached my breaking point. I picked up on the rampage of emotional abuse, accompanied by threats to my wellbeing, and his growing dislike for one of my daughters. That’s where I drew the line, got my family involved and with their help, forced him to leave.
V: Reflecting on the abuse you suffered, is there any advice you’d like the give to someone in your former position?M: Keep an eye out for insecure, obsessive, jealous men, especially if they are addicted to drugs and alcohol. People have this insane idea that jealousy is an expression of love. I learned the hard way that it’s more of a sickness than a blessing.
M’s story is just a fragment of the cruel reality domestic violence perpetuates and it’s not something that only happens to married middle-aged women. Thankfully there are local organizations dedicated to educating the community and intervening when necessary. For more information on how to handle domestic violence, or for help and a support system, contact Siempre Vivas: Proyecto de Apoyo a Mujeres at siemprevivas@uprm.edu or call the woman in charge, Profesora Luisa Seijo Maldonado at (787) 390-3371. The police department also has a division in charge of domestic violence. Don’t be afraid to speak out, help is phone call away (or email) away.