From nobody’s person to somebody’s second, third, fourth… or last option, being a ‘backup friend’ means more than not having anyone to hang out with or always having your phone dry. It’s the constant thought of not being the first choice, being treated poorly, and feeling like a side character in everyone’s life, even in your friendships. In college, making friends is a challenge for many people, let alone a whole group of friends, especially if you’re introverted or just have a hard time talking to new people. On top of that, no one prepares you to know what to do if these friendships turn you into their backup friend.
Some signs to help you recognize if you’re a backup friend:
- They only text or call when they need something from you.
- You keep being ranted to but never listened to.
- You feel like the first choice to be their lifesaver, but the last one to do fun things with.
- You rarely are invited to hang out when their main friends are available.
- You’re barely acknowledged when they’re with their main friends.
- You find it really hard to understand inside jokes in your friend circle.
- It feels like you follow your friend(s) around and keep behind.
- You constantly feel left out.
- You casually are always the last one to get invited to their plans.
- You’re neglected on important days that they know about.
- You feel like you need to entertain them to make them notice you.
- You were gaslighted when you told them how you felt.
It’s essential to note that, yes, college is hard and people have their own lives where you’re not the main focus, but this is no excuse to neglect a friendship. Don’t get me wrong, people can still have more friends besides you and we all could’ve treated anybody else as a backup friend unconsciously at a certain point in our lives. After all, friendships (like any other relationship) aren’t perfect, but the line draws in how we act upon it. A healthy friendship would and should never make you feel unimportant on purpose, like a tool to discard after use. A true friend will want to talk things out to understand your point of view and help your relationship improve.
To anybody who might be feeling like this, I want you to know one thing: you’re good enough. I know how exhausting, lonely, and consuming it is to be a backup friend. I’ve been there myself, but it’s not forever. Certain things that helped me overcome those experiences were making me my first choice (and my own best friend), trying new hobbies, lowering my expectations of the people around me, healing my self-esteem at my own pace, and most importantly, setting boundaries. If that friend truly cares about you, they’ll try everything to make you feel better and seen. If they don’t, that’s alright. I know it’s hard to leave some friends behind but trust me, it’s more enriching to walk away from people who don’t treat you right and find yourself again. The right people will come eventually, sooner or later. In the meantime, be the main character in your own story.