All reporting by Zamayra de Jesús
“That skirt is too short, no wonder you got raped.”
“You talk about your sex life openly, no wonder people touch you without consent.”
“You asked for it.”
These among many other similar lines are what is usually said to a girl or woman after she experiences an inappropriate touch or is raped. We are blamed for something we didn’t actually want. Yet, to what degree can we consider given situations as an act of rape? What can we do to stop this kind of behavior? How do I say no? These are a few of the questions that Ali Muldrow answered in her workshop: Consent & Rape Culture.
Before speaking of the experience in this wonderful workshop and what I learned, let’s talk about a few things of the person who was behind the whole idea.
Ali Muldrow is the Racial Justice Youth Organizer at GSAFE (Gay-Straight Advocate for Education) from Madison, Wisconsin. For the last two years she has been providing her workshop on Consent & Rape Culture in many different schools and colleges. Her goal is to inform people about the importance of consent and to help others on how to deal with situations similar to what she experienced; the Genders and Sexualities Alliance at UPRM (GSA) invited her to speak on campus on this past Tuesday, September 27.
Image courtesy of Denisse Echevarría for GSA-UPRM.
As mentioned before, in this workshop Ali provided us with the importance of consent and how to deal with rape. Consent is very important because that it can affect our relationship with others. It is a mutual agreement made by the two parties involved, and in a way, a power play. The problem lies that at times we may agree to something that we don’t truly want to do. Agreeing to something one is not comfortable with can happen often due to the fact that we are afraid of saying no, be it out of not wanting to disappoint others or making them angry. To prove this point, our first task in the workshop was saying “no” to each other. Some people were awkward with it, while others felt very good saying it aloud. The reason behind it all was to make us feel more comfortable as well as confident about saying no. As Ali explains, “if you can’t say no, then your yesses are insincere, for your real opinion is never expressed.”
Now, as it was said, this could lead to things we don’t want to do. In relationships, consent is important because it sets our boundaries. It determines how the treatment with each other will be. To explain this more in-depth, we were assigned a second activity. This one involved asking a person if we could touch them some place in their body. However, the key was that the person in question could either say no, or give two questions back to know your reason. We were practicing consent. If the person said no, we had to answer: “I respect and honor when you say no.” In the end, arms were determined as the safe zone that people who were strangers could touch, as it didn’t feel too intimate. It can also be added that since we mostly greet with our hands, it is already thought of as the “public area.”
Ali spoke to us about one particular experience she had with some students doing the exercise. One of them, let’s call him Student A, asked to touch Student B’s head. The latter quickly said no, yet the first insisted that he would do it quickly, and begrudgingly, student B agreed. The interesting part aside from the sudden change of thought, was that student A took his time, and ultimately, went against what student B had said. This tends to happen a lot, especially when people are involved in a sexual relationship. We do not say no, and go along with things that could lead to something regretful like rape. Even though people may agree to have sex, if your boundaries are broken along the way, the situation could change. It begets the question: Who does our body belong to?
Another curious situation that Ali told us about was that once she asked a group of boys, all around 12 years old, what it meant to have sex. One of them actually answered that when a girl says yes to sex it means “they want to do what the man wants to do.” This is an accurate example of what happens in society on a larger scale. What are we being taught about our bodies? Why is it that girls are the ones who have to please?
Not to mention that generalizations of sex in movies don’t involve any sort of consent. They are not navigated by it, and may come to some as a turn off, but it is actually important to avoid these sorts of conflicts. We all have voices. We are all our own person, yet that is often forgotten. And consent could be sexy! An example could be the sexy scene from the movie Friends with Benefits in which Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake talk about their likes and dislikes before doing the deed. The result: fantastic.
Most of the situations mentioned were things we have some sort of control, but at times we don’t. Ali herself opened up about her encounter with rape. She confesses that at first she didn’t fathom with the idea that it had actually happened, for she was in an unconscious state. She was at a party and a friend offered her a ride home, but halfway said he didn’t feel good, and they ended up at his place. Tired, she went to sleep, but woke up later with him doing things to her. In her haste, she just went along with so it could for all to be over. She didn’t struggle.
“Was it all planned? When did I agree to this?” These were many of the questions that she asked herself. The situation left her depressed and heartbroken, as she felt she had lost herself. Where was her voice? How had her silence turned into a yes? And this could be taken to simpler situations such as tickling someone. One may beg to stop, but because they seem to enjoy it, we don’t. How does this validate a sort of agreement? It doesn’t.
Ali, even though she had suffered from this encounter, got out of it and now teaches about consent and its importance. She realized the impact it can have when taken the wrong way. She even has a beautiful saying to her daughters of “My body.” She teaches them that their body is theirs to choose what to do with, and how people should approach them. And that you must respect when a person says no. Her teachings to them is something to admire and follow. For that I am thankful for this project she has created.
Our body is ours and we must take a hold of it, and really be okay with what goes around with it. If a situation that we are not comfortable with can potentially occur, we shouldn’t be afraid to say no. It’s our body! It’s our freedom. We shouldn’t let it be taken away so lightly, just as we should respect others and not take theirs, for it’s their bodies.
At the end of the workshop, as a last task, we did a circle while holding hands, and chanted all of these things to spread love and respect, to be able to say no, and respect when others say it and to honestly practice consent when given the situation.
The message is wonderful and powerful that we should keep spreading. So I call on you who read this to do the same. Say no when you really feel the need, respect others as you would want to be respected. All in all; spread love and consent.
To learn more about Ali’s projects and GSafe please visit: https://www.gsafewi.org/about-us/staff/