If you live in a traditional hospedaje—a renovated home you share with other people—you will recognize these archetypes.
14. The Garbage Disposer
For some reason, this jerk thinks he or she has the right to throw away your stuff just because it bothers them. Unlike the Post-it Queen, they’ll skip the passive-aggressive messages and throw your stuff right in the trash without warning. Will then claim they are “helping” you live a better life. Eff them.
Wins: Most Likely to be an only child (or be the eldest sibling)
13. The Landlord
The owner of the house you’re living in, who also lives inside the house. I have so many questions for this person.
1) What is your problem?
2) Does getting paid by desperate college students not provide you with sufficient glee?
3) Why do you willingly live with teenagers?
4) Don’t you have anything better to do??
Wins: Most Likely to know the Caso Cerrado theme song by heart; Most Likely to (still) have very strong opinions about La Comay’s cancellation
12. The One with Zero Boundaries
This one comes in many delightful flavors, and they’re all inconsiderate and irresponsible. This person eats all your food. This person uses your cleaning supplies and leave them soiled. This person leaves very personal health items in the bathroom (or use yours!). This person, for some reason, is delightfully oblivious to the fact that you can hear them and their significant other in the bedroom.
If there’s any single person who will make you consider a murder-suicide, it’s this one.
Wins: Most Likely to leave her NuvaRing in the shower
11. The Post-It Queen
There’s nothing wrong with leaving your housemate a memo if you don’t coincide that day. But the Post-It Queen, instead of being an adult and telling you what’s bothering them, will stick passive-aggressive messages all over the house with specific instructions on how to clean the stove, your chores for the weekend, or simply labeling every visible personal item. This kind of housemate likely hates confrontation, and gets weirded out when you actually ask them to do something around the house.
Wins: Most Likely to label their label maker
10. The Tasmanian Devil
The TD apparently doesn’t notice all the work you put into making your living areas, well, livable. The Tasmanian Devil lets their dishes rot in the sink, never takes out the trash, leaves their dirty clothes around common areas, and never pitches in to clean the house. Beware–if you’re not careful, this person could turn you into a Garbage Disposer, successfully sealing the Tenth Circle of Housemate Hell, Pissingcontesticus.
Among the tortures the Pissingcontesticus Circle of Hell boasts are: the Emotionally Manipulative Pile of Empty Water Bottles, the Never-ending Pile of Dirty Dishes, and Unearthly Cries of “I AM THE ONLY ONE KEEPING THIS HOUSE FROM FALLING APART” for all eternity.
Wins: Most Likely to be your first housemate in Terrace
9. The Loudmouth
Regardless of whether this person is a Night Owl or not, their shrill, incredibly loud voice will haunt you all day, be it by gossiping, practicing French out loud, or simply laughing at a duck army Vine at 4:12am. A silver lining: this person probably has no idea how loud they are will likely pipe down if you ask nicely.
Wins: Most Likely to provoke a peace disturbance call from your neighbors
8. The One Who Always Has Free Time
We’ll admit this is just petty jealousy. How can this person have enough free time to play COD, hang out at the beach, go out every single night, and still maintain a GPA that allows them to stay in school? Teach us your ways.
Wins: Most Likely to succeed; Most Likely to have a tremendous caffeine addiction
7. The Significant Other
At some point, you’ll have a housemate whose significant other is always around. You’ll show up at your place and s/he’ll give you a warm welcome as they’re in the living room eating alone. He or she doesn’t pay rent and will likely stay over plenty, but as long as they stay out of your way–and don’t hog the warm water–it’s all good.
Wins: Most Charming; Most Likely to be El Fantasma at their own place
6. The One Who Never Sleeps
Hell weeks aside, there is always that one housemate who just stays up all night watching TV, reading, drawing or painting, and still has enough energy to go to class the next morning. You’re grateful to have someone to welcome you after your Thursday night jangueo ritual.
Wins: Most Likely to prepare you a Hangover-Preventive Sandwich at 3AM.
5. El Fantasma
You’ve probably seen this person once, likely on the day when you signed your contract. You can tell they leave their room because you see their side of the fridge periodically fill up and empty over time. Also, you think heard them sneeze, like, three weeks ago. You’re grateful for their reserved demeanor (especially if you live with four other people!) but feel lowkey guilty for not knowing their name…
Wins: Cinta de participación
4. The Sporty One
Befriend this housemate! You’re living with someone who successfully keeps a workout routine and is on top of his or her studies. If you want to be more active they can be your personal coach, not to mention that working out with someone else can be so much better than sweating it out on your own.
Wins: Most Likely to Know Nicki Minaj’s Entire Music Catalogue
3. The Neat Freak
Some people may see someone so Type-A as a total drag, but we say they’re an asset. Who doesn’t like a clean apartment?! Your gross dish sponge is one day magically replaced with a new one! The toilet is always sparkly clean! The house always smells like Febreeze! They pay your bills and clean out your hard drive! (Find the lie).
Wins: Most Likely to alphabetize their cleaning supplies; Most Likely to make you question if you’re a slob
2. Mary Poppins
This person always has items to spare and is willing to share them. It doesn’t matter if you need a stapler, a tampon, some detergent, or even basic cold medicine, they have it all. If you’re lucky enough to wear the same size they’ll even share their clothes, bless their hearts.
Wins: Most Likely to have a “Life Hacks” Pinterest board
1. The Chef
The Holy Grail of Housemates. If you have been fortunate enough to be blessed with a housemate who not only cooks well but loves to cook for other people, do not mess it up. As busy students, these are the rarest breed of housemates. Be grateful: help them clean up after you’re done eating and help with the groceries, hell, pay their taxes. This is also an excellent opportunity to learn how to cook yourself. Thank their mother and kiss the blessed ground he or she walks on, because they are the perfect housemate.
Wins: Most Likely to have a throne in Heaven reserved next to Beyoncé