Earlier this year, I read Perfect on Paper by Sophie Gonzales, where the main character used the principles of attachment theory to give relationship advice. She analyzed the characteristics of two people and categorized them into their corresponding attachment styles in order to give the most accurate advice she could. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the term, an attachment style describes the way you feel, react, and interact with partners, or potential partners; not only in romantic relationships but in any relationships you form.
Relationships of any kind simply mean forming attachments, or emotional bonds, with other people. According to John Bowlby, the first attachments we form pave the way for how we approach the attachments we make later in life. Bowlby, the psychiatrist credited with creating attachment theory, hypothesized that the reactions infants have when separated from their primary caregivers were an evolutionary mechanism because they enhanced the child’s chances of survival. The infant recognizes that when the caregiver is gone, so is their comfort, so they have no other option but to react as they see fit. Depending on how consistent the caregiver is in providing for the infant’s needs, is the kind of reaction the children have when left by their caregivers.
An experiment based on Bowlby’s hypothesis was done in which children were left by their caregivers for a certain amount of time and their reactions were analyzed. They observed that the children reacted differently depending on the kind of consistency in the meeting of their needs from their caregiver and were divided into the following categories: secure, anxious-avoidant, anxious-resistant, and disorganized. The children recognized the patterns in which their caregivers would provide comfort and their consequent reactions heavily depended on caregiver’s comfort-providing consistency.. These learned patterns define the way children view receiving comfort and, when they grew up, they had internalized the knowledge and continued to behave as if the same patterns were present. The way in which we view how we’re going to receive comfort based on the patterns we observed from our caregivers as we grew up is our attachment style.
You might be asking yourself, “but if there are four types of attachment styles, how do I know which one I am?” and I’ll tell you. Attachment styles in children follow the same pattern as the adults, since, usually, one leads to the other. In children, we see the secure, anxious-avoidant, anxious-resistant, and disorganized types. In adults, these manifest as secure, dismissive-avoidant, anxious-preoccupied, and fearful-avoidant. Though attachment styles aren’t one size fits all, since you might identify with most of the characteristics of one style, but not the others, or with characteristics of several of them, there will always be one that stands out amongst the rest. If you’re still doubtful or undecided after reading, there are many quizzes available for you to take. Here’s one I found that I liked!
1. Secure attachment
Secure attachment is the most common style and is characterized by security and confidence. In the experiment I mentioned before, children with a secure attachment style showed distress when separated from their caregiver, showed themselves to be confident in the fact that their caregiver would return in the meantime, and expressed joy when reunited with them. This showed that the caregivers were dependable and consistent in how they provided comfort to their children and gave them the security that, should they need comfort, it would come. These children are generally more likely to see other people as trustworthy, supportive, and helpful, and themselves as competent and confident. They are also generally considered to be better with social interactions and successful in the classroom, as well.
The dependability of their caregiver as children then translates into their attachments with other people as adults. These adults, having been raised with dependability and confidence, grow up able to feel more comfortable in openly sharing emotions and being vulnerable with others. They can depend on their partners and let their partners depend on them, as they feel secure in the relationship but also secure in their own independence. They don’t fear their partner leaving them because they feel secure; not only in themselves, but in their partners as well.
2. Anxious-Avoidant or Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment
Children with an anxious-avoidant attachment tended to show no difference between a caregiver and a stranger, and even avoidーif not, downright ignoreーtheir caregiver. Typically, this might mean the child has been punished by asking for comfort from or relying on their caregiverー whether it be on purpose or indirectly, the caregivers have neglected or even abused the child to the point where they learned to not ask for comfort or attention from their caregivers when they need it. These children tend to be less effective at emotional regulation, showing more aggressive and antisocial behavior, and tend to withdraw and self-isolate, rather than seek help, in order to reduce that stress.
Anxious-avoidant children grow up into adults with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. These adults prefer to keep their distance from other people and avoid forming emotionally deep connections, for fear of being hurt. Without having proper emotional regulation as children, they might not have learned to properly self-soothe, and thus prefer avoiding scenarios where they might end up hurt. Anxious-avoidant adults might believe they can thrive without making connections to others but, unlike people with secure attachment, they actively shut out or shut down situations where they might become emotionally attached to others. They’d rather be alone than risk emotional damage or they might fully shut down when faced with hurtful or stressful scenarios. Unlike securely attached adults, dismissive-avoidant adults don’t want to depend on or seek support from others or have others depend on them.
3. Anxious-Resistant or Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment
As opposed to anxious-avoidant children, anxious-resistant children will become very distressed when their caregiver leaves and will inevitably seek comfort from them, and also attempt to punish their caregivers for leaving, once they have returned. This attachment style is one of the least commonly seen and is a result of the caregiver’s inconsistent presence. The children are not sure when, or if, they will ever receive comfort again and feel distress instead of resignation, like anxious-avoidant children might. These children lack self-confidence and might prefer to keep their distance from peers, leading to social isolation.
The anxious-resistant child grows into an anxious-preoccupied adult. One concept I think describes this type best is the fear of abandonment. The anxious-preoccupied adult may feel a need for romantic relationships and cling to the belief that a partner will complete them. They desire stability, security, and safety in their relationships and crave support, approval, and responsiveness from their partner. Their fear of being alone and the thought that their partner isn’t as invested in the relationship as them can lead them to act in ways that might drive people away instead of drawing them back in; such as being jealous, demanding, or overly clingy.
4. Disorganized or Fearful-Avoidant Attachment:
As the name might imply, children who have a disorganized attachment style show no organized or consistent way of behaving when left by their caregivers. They may range from being confused to disoriented at being left alone, and might avoid or resist the caregiver upon their return. This disorganized behavior speaks to the caregiver’s inconsistent behavior with the child and implies that the caregiver is a source of both fear and comfort to the child. These children have very disorganized coping mechanisms (if any at all) and tend to perceive others as threats rather than support. They tend towards social isolation and aggressive behavior, both towards other people and because of them.
These children grow up to have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. Due to the lack of emotional regulation as children, as adults, they tend to be easily overwhelmed by their feelings and prefer to avoid them entirely. People with this attachment style crave and desire emotional closeness and relationships, but they also have trouble trusting and depending on others. This difficulty with trust and their fear of being hurt by their partner, combined with their poor emotional regulation, makes them prone to unpredictable or even abrupt mood swings. Despite wanting them, people with a fearful-avoidant attachment style have a lot of difficulties maintaining meaningful and healthy relationships.
Some of these attachment styles might seem “better” than others; and, while the reality is that some people have easier experiences with attachment, no one style is inherently better. It all depends on how the people in the relationship communicate and deal with their emotions, boundaries, and limitations. Attachment styles serve as a tool for you to understand how your partner can better meet your needs and vice versa. An anxious-avoidant or fearful-avoidant person may need more patience and communication than a secure or dismissive-avoidant person. Knowing your attachment style, knowing your partner’s attachment style, and how they interact will help your relationship more than it will damage it. The book Perfect on Paper by Sophie Gonzales provides perfect examples of how to apply this type of analysis to your relationships. So, next time you’re having trouble or lots of misunderstandings in your relationships, try using attachment theory; it’s possible that the solution to your arguments is right under your nose.