Goodbyes are never easy. There’s always a sense of dread lurking after you say them, even when you claim to be over and done with something. For the past six years, I’ve been a university student. I arrived at the gates of la IUPI with a broken heart, a minimum wage job that I despised, and zero idea of what I wanted to do in life. Hurricanes, blackouts, pandemics, oh my! You name it; no season of my university spinoff lacked tension or severe conflict. In an attempt to not jinx it, here’s hoping that I get to graduation day in one piece. Catastrophes aside, I can’t deny that I will miss this part of my story.
For the first few months, I unfortunately gave in to negativity most of the time. I lie and say that I’m a hardcore realist, but I’m actually the antagonist of my own peace of mind. Freshman year was bleak and my friends from that specific time are the foundation of my decision to stay in the university. They took care of me, they kept me in line, they saw me and decided to adopt me into their hearts. I was the worst type of immature child coming into this experience; the ones that swear that they are wise beyond their years. I was spiraling due to stress and thought that I could convince people that it was all intentional. But your first year family always knowsー at the end of the day, I was a kid just like them.
Remember when I called this a sequel looking to explore my individuality? As opposed to high school, where blending in was just a part of the deal, university held a magnifying glass to my personality and refused to back down. I stepped foot on this campus for the first time in a state of wild shock because I had never envisioned myself getting to this stage. Back in school, I could hide behind the sparkly 5 year plans of my classmates as a supporter, creating a diversion so it would never be my turn to share.
When you’re told that your dream career is not a viable option, planning your future turns into an out-of-body experience. Instead of projecting yourself into the following years, you design a foolproof plan that will keep nosy family members satisfied, but the person that needs to fulfill said goals doesn’t feel like you. No, that’s the me that people want, the one that they don’t have to worry about. The one that acts against herself, that uses the life that was meant for her to pay bills and settle down. She’s the monster that creeped under my bed when I was a little girl.
Don’t worry, slowly but surely, things got better for me. You see, anything and everything can be made insufferable if you fail to acknowledge yourself as a priority. Happiness is not a permanent state of being. It fades like traced letters in the sand with each passing wave of reality, so you need to get creative. It will never pop out of the blue by just going along with what everyone else is doing or what you think will get you more praise. Sure, a pat on the back can reassure you momentarily, but it could never keep you safe from the emotional bankruptcy that comes with putting your needs last. Emptiness can be permanent if we never look to fill our own cup, if we never search for things that hold meaning and cater to our true self.
So, as a university student, I witnessed how all aspects of your life start to align when you gravitate towards what you love. There’s a glow that radiates when you lead with your heart, and you start to surround yourself with like-minded individuals. Few friendships survive the shift from high school to university, and some of them hurt so much that you grow weary when new people fall under your line of perception. Stay away, you want to hiss as they tell you their names for the first time, because you think that you’re someone that ruins good things. Friendship breakups leave scars that can only be touched by your hand. Those new smiles from kind strangers feel undeserved. I would often look at them and wonder how long they would last, and what type of person I would have to become to preserve them.
Turns out I just had to promise to be myself. All of the friends I’ve made along this journey seem to prefer that. They took notice of my self-sabotaging tendencies and refused to allow me to retreat towards what I knew. It partially sucks, when people not only want to cheer you on, but they want to make sure that you do it too. What do you mean I have to “do the work as well”?
Friends in university aren’t always lifelong companions. Sometimes, you suffer through one class together for an entire semester, and then you’re left to think about them every year as their birthday comes up. You watch their lives through pictures and think of how close you were for a brief period of time. The late night conversations still linger in your ears, the improvised sleepovers shine like gold in your memories, the pieces of you that were overshared don’t leave the weight of guilt because you’re grateful that they took the time to get to know you. Not everything has to last forever to have been realーit can just be a fragment of moments shared, an anecdote that never fails to make you smile. Through these connections, I learned that time isn’t always cruel, it just keeps going so you better make it count.
This campus granted me a space to share my art. A stage to act on, a student magazine to write in, and wonderful people with beautiful laughs. Bit by bit, I got to know myself through the eyes of those that wanted me to take those steps. The fellow actors that helped me rehearse, the editors that bring out the beauty in the mess known as my writing, the friends that call me up when they need a good laugh. I had to come to terms with the fact that I had been hiding. Being angry and sad all the time was a comfort because in that state of mind change is so rare. You’re always burning, no matter how much you want to simmer down. You’re always bleeding, but you never pass out. Everything is the same: safe but at what price?
La IUPI has seen me cry in public bathrooms because the courses that I needed to take were not available. It has witnessed me skip classes for the sake of spending more time with people that I know will never be a part of my day-to-day once the semester ends. It has given me friendships that help me understand the fact that I am perceived and loved. I had the chance to meet professors that shaped my future goals through their passion for knowledge. The person that I am has been permanently altered by my time here, and how am I supposed to say goodbye now? La IUPI will always be here, even when I am not.
So, I can’t bring myself to think of that last day. Where I try to walk a little slower on my way to the train station, where I debate on where to eat, where I struggle to meet up with every single person that I wish to hug before I go. I try not to think about myself in freshman year after the events of Hurricane Maria, or third year me that struggled with not losing her mind at the beginning of the pandemic. Nope, I do not admire those young girls and their role in my life. I can’t even remember their names.
Of course I won’t cry as I think about the friends that I made along the way, the ones that I will love for the rest of my life. Nah, I’m not thinking of their laughs or how grateful I am that out of all the people that exist in this world, I got to meet them when I did. I am in no way mourning the memories, or the fact that this will soon be my past. No sir, not a tear in sight as I worry about never feeling this close to myself ever again once I graduate. You can count on me to not stress over the possibility of undergoing extreme failure as I navigate through a reality outside of this campus.
But it’s only the beginning of something great. Yes, it sucks to say goodbye. Sure, the university spinoff is reaching the series finale but this is not the end at all. It is the end of the beginning and I can’t wait to see what comes next. So, goodbye IUPI. Thank you for the laughs, the good cries, and everything in between. I promise I’ll make you proud … hopefully!