Relationships are hard, and in college, they’re even harder because this is a time of change. During this point in our lives we are still discovering who we are, so finding your prince charming (or cinderella) might be a little difficult, as they are probably finding out who they want to be too.
My partner and I have been together for most of college, if not all. Often, my friends ask me how are we still together. This is not something I can answer on my own. He has to be part of that conversation because without him, there wouldn’t be a conversation to have. Here is what we came up with:
Everybody, and I mean everybody, has their own rule book on how to go about things in life. Acknowledging how everyone has their set of rules is important, this is because it implies that you are taking into consideration someone else’s perception of what is or isn’t right. When in a relationship, these books come together to form something new. This means that you will be deciding what your priorities as a couple are, it means establishing rules that are important to both of you and honoring them.
As you both have created your own rule books, before deciding to write one together, you should understand that arguments are inevitable. Believing that couples don’t argue, is unrealistic. It is how you argue that is important. Ask yourself these questions: Did the counterpart listen? Did they understand? Did I say everything I needed to say? But most importantly ask yourself: Did I listen? Did I understand? Did the counterpart say everything they wanted to say?
Sometimes we can lie to ourselves when answering these questions, it is very important that we don’t. Most relationships don’t work out because we forget to listen, whether it is to ourselves or our partner.
Having deal breakers is necessary. When we value ourselves, we are nurturing our relationship. As I mentioned before, we all have different ways of going on about life. Sometimes, we will have to let go of our pride simply because our ego is getting in the way of reason, and other times, we will have to help our partner elevate theirs so you can both have a better quality of life. When to let go or when to elevate is a question that can only be answered by the individual. However, for the sake of the guide, we will say this: the right decision will be coming from a place of love and the one you will most likely regret will be coming from a place of fear.
Know when to be there and when not to be there. Sometimes, your partner needs to focus all their energy on something else. Sometimes we have too much going on and need a breather, so create the space for it. Whenever the time to be together presents itself, you will make up for that time apart.
Your partner wants to love you for you, so be 100% yourself. The benefits of this are that your partner will be happy and certain of who they’re dating. Plus, you owe yourself the confidence to know that somebody loves you – even hates you – for you, and not an illusion.
Pay attention to the things you talk about. Make sure you’re not always complaining, talk about things that bring you joy both individually and together.
As a closing, we would like to share some paraphrasing from the book, “Being in Love” by Osho.
People think that they can love only when they have a worthy partner. We are always looking for that perfect woman or man, but perfect people do not exist. We have to stop looking for them. We have been told that we will only be happy when we find that perfect partner, and because of this, we become unhappy. Love has nothing to do with the other, a loving person simply loves. They love just as an alive person lives and breathes. We don’t say: “Unless there is perfect and unpolluted air I am not going to breath”. We go on breathing even in Los Angeles, Mumbai, and Paris. We go on breathing even when the air is poisoned, we cannot afford not to breath just because the air is not as it should be. A loving person simply loves. Do not demand perfection, we have no right to demand anything from anybody. If somebody loves you, be thankful, because the other has no obligation to love you. When somebody loves, it is a miracle, be thrilled by the miracle.