The One Doesn't Exist: Save Love with a Little Pessimism

The opinions expressed in this article are the author's own and do not reflect the views of Her Campus.

In many ways, the world can be a chaotic place to live. Being pessimistic about the many things that happen to and around us can become a habit. It's easy and quite normal to slip into a negative mindset. You could feel let down by the economy, the state of the planet, and humanity's decisions and future. However, there is some silver lining. A lot of people do hold onto hope for one thing: love. Love is beautiful, indeed, but most of the time, we only associate positivity with it. In reality, having a healthy dose of pessimism within looking or having a loving relationship could be most necessary and a romantic thing to do.

If you're single, you might be romanticizing the notion of "The Right Person" or "The One." This idea is that among the millions and millions of people out there, there is a right person just for you.  The Right Person will be this unique being that is suitable for your character, your likes, and aspirations. This someone will make you feel complete, as if they're you're missing piece. It's not an easy search. As you start out a relationship, you might think that your potential partner is perfect: only then to find out that there's something about them you just don't like. Problems start to arise. Suddenly you discover that they have an obnoxious family member, an annoying best friend, mayor insecurities that you just can't deal with, awful taste in music, or perhaps they're not as attentive as you would have wanted that person to be.
two people holding hands

Then, people ask for space, take a break, get divorced, and or look for other future possibilities. It seems that being severe, putting and effort, and a wary eye on the search for this person might be romantic, but in reality, this consistent search is a refusal of accepting what love is really about.

In truth, the deep secret about love is that there is no Right Person. There isn't such thing as The One. Because believing so, creates this beyond perfect being in our heads. It makes you develop unrealistic expectations about a future partner. Imagine trying to find in real life this fictional character that birthed in your head. It seems quite unrealistic and impossible when you give thought to it.

I am by no means saying that you should settle for less than you deserve. Some problems aren't solvable. Sometimes what some people consider annoyances are deal-breakers to you. That's fine. You should be with someone that makes you happy, which makes you feel that the effort you're putting into the relationship is worthwhile. What I mean to say is that when you're engaging in a relationship, you should set aside these perfect expectations about a partner.

For the sake of a romantic and committed relationship, you first need a rarely mentioned quality: pessimism. You need a small and healthy dose of it in every relationship. Being the tiniest bit pessimistic towards your relationship means that you won't idolize your partner. You'll realize that they're their own person and that they have their own set of problems and issues that you must work on, understand, negotiate or accept, and this will prepare you for what's coming at you. You need to be empathetic and constructive above all else, and they have to do the same for you! Because in the end, you're not perfect, so what makes you think somebody else will be?
Small sign saying However, under no circumstances should tolerate abuse or toxicity; if we're constantly unhappy in a relationship, we should have the courage and strength to say goodbye. It's just having an optimistic search for The Right Person commits us to eventually throwing away everyone we are likely to meet.

In truth, the person who's best for us isn't the one who shares our same likes, dreams, and aspirations. It's the person who negotiates differences wisely. Compatibility should not be a condition for love, it's more of an achievement.

In order to love properly, you need to put aside your idealized hopes and expectations. Strange as it might seem, that's one of the most romantic and mature things you could do. It liberates us and permits the development of a loving relationship in the most enduring and flourishing manner.