Grieving during the festive season is a challenge, but I’ve learned to find comfort in the love shared and to allow both happiness and sorrow to coexist. To anyone feeling the same, you’re not alone, and it’s okay to embrace the complexity of emotions during these times.
Writing about something deeply personal is never easy, especially when the subject is as profound as grief, which is why I’ve struggled to find the right words to begin this piece. First, let me share a bit of my story. A little over a year ago, my father unexpectedly passed away. It was something sudden that nobody could have expected to happen, and right at that moment, I felt empty. I saw my whole life and what I envisioned for my future crumble in front of my eyes. My father was the epitome of kindness, a man that everyone loved, and incredibly smart—perhaps too smart. He was the man I looked up to and having lost the one person who I felt understood me in ways I don’t think anyone else ever could, was traumatizing, to say the least. It was like this person who I still strongly rely on was here one day and gone the next… forever. Unexpected loss is so challenging for the brain to process, and regardless of the circumstances, navigating holidays, often associated with celebration, is tough and can be overwhelming when there’s a very big person-shaped hole in your heart.
I’m still navigating my own grief and, although this holiday season might not feel like there’s much to be grateful for, I’d like to share some things that help me cope whenever I’m missing my dad just a little bit more, acknowledging that everyone’s journey through grief is unique and what works for me might or might not work for everyone.
- Changing my perspective
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Something that has really supported me through my grieving process is trying not to look at grief so negatively. In a society where grief is constantly portrayed as a negative emotion, one that you should either repress or get over quickly, I’ve chosen to look at grief from a different perspective. To me, grief is a sign of the love between me and my dad. The reason I grieve him so strongly is because I love him so much, and he loved me. The intensity of my grief reflects the depth of our connection and the cherished memories we shared. This perspective has allowed me to embrace and find comfort in my grief.
Retrieved from Pinterest
- Not choosing
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During the initial stages of my journey with grief, I used to think that pain and sorrow were the only emotions I could allow myself to feel. Feeling any semblance of happiness, or any other positive feeling, for that matter, seemed unfair, given my father’s absence, and I would feel guilty whenever I let myself feel a little bit of joy. I’m not quite sure why, but allowing myself to be happy while knowing that my dad is so painfully not here to experience these feelings just wasn’t right. So, I would immediately bring myself back to a state of grief and sadness. However, I slowly started to learn that happiness and grief don’t have to be mutually exclusive. I don’t have to choose between either one; rather, I can feel them both simultaneously. They coexist.
One thing about grief is that it’s always there, and no matter how much joy I feel, my dad’s absence lives every second in my heart. Grief is a constant presence, but understanding that I can experience joy without guilt has been liberating.
We are not either happy or sad. We are not either grieving or grateful. We are not either content or despairing. We are both/and.
Joanne Cacciatore in her book “Bearing the Unbearable” - Surrounding myself with family and friends
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While this may sound like a common or cliché suggestion, spending time with the people who love me most always makes the pain easier to endure. During the holidays, this is especially important because your loved one’s absence can feel so much more present than normal. I find that spending time with my dad’s side of the family really helps me feel close to him because these are the people who not only love me but love him, and whom he loved the most. This also helps because there’s an understanding between everyone; his absence is acknowledged, and we’re collectively navigating our own unique paths through grief.
There are so many feelings that come with grief because losing a loved one is not something that I think anybody is ever prepared for, regardless of their circumstance. I’ve learned this firsthand, as grief has reshaped every aspect of my life. So, to you, dear reader, my message is simple: facing the reality of a loved one’s absence, particularly during the holidays, can be overwhelmingly painful, but know this: you are not alone. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay to grieve. This Thanksgiving, even when it seems there’s little to be grateful for, or this Christmas, when it seems there’s not much to be jolly about, remember that you don’t have to choose between grief and happiness; you can experience both simultaneously.